Life in Chi-Town

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile I've been pretty busy. Actually that is a lie. I wrote one of the best story blogs I have ever written. It is at Tucker Max level. It's about going back to Ann Arbor and a wedding over last weekend. I would publish it but it's a little raunchy, and it is one of those things I would never want my kids or any girl to read. I have a few blogs that are really good but I just can't bring myself to publish them because they involve some nefarious acts, perhaps with readers of this blog. I guess I draw the line just below pooping in a box. And the point of this blog is to get chicks, not scare them away. So instead I'll share with you a little look into my life.

My life has fallen into a bit of a routine but I like it. I've been cooking for myself, which is something that I really can't do in the Box house. The best I could do at school was Michealinas, which were 10 for 10$ at Meijer. Michealinas has three levels of pricing which is; budget for 1$, regular for 1.50$ and gourmet for 2$. The thing is that some of the budget entrees are the best, and since they all cost the same at school I just got the ones I wanted. In Chicago however, they actually form to the pricing plan, and oh boy do I look poor when I buy the budget Michealinas and Wacky Mac (which btw has absolutely no branding on it). But just last week I made Chicken Parmigiana. It only took 4 ingredients but it was one of the best dinners I have made in a long time.

I have also been reading more. I didn't really read much between the ages of 12 and a month ago. I read a few books for high school classes but I missed out on a most of the great classics. I even took a class my second semester senior year called reading for enrichment, which was designed for kids who were planning on graduating and was "taught" my the drama teacher. I didn't really read anything unless you count The Multiple Man as a book (high school newspaper reference). I think I spent a week in that class reading a road map. Luckily my roommate has a great collection of books so I've been catching up on some good novels and autobiographies. I just finished reading some J.D. Salinger short stories, and while I did read Catcher in the Rye in high school, and as much I hear that I remind people of Holden Caulfield, I dislike every character Salinger has ever created. I think it stems from his overuse of the word "goddam".

I also try to watch a movie every night from my roommates 1000 disc collection. I'm finally watching all of those movies that you have always wanted to see, but never wanted to rent/admit it. I also watch at least one episode of South Park every night. I like to see the shows transition from plot based episodes to mainly pure social commentary.

On the weekends I usually wander around Chicago getting gay and seeing the city. I am going to try to make it up to the school where they filmed Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I also play beach volleyball once a week, go out with the other interns and "hang out" with Vickery's GF.

I have some better posts in the works, but in the mean time, WTF with the coinage comments? And thanks to everyone who wrote/texted/gchatted about taking office poops. It easies my work load to know that your easing your work load.

Urinals

Ok this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I know this isn't my first post about urinals (there are three), but I think it might be the most frustrating. I work in an office building and there are three urinals in the bathroom on my floor. There are two regular sized urinals and then a short one on the end. This pisses the hell out of me.

The first person who goes to the bathroom naturally takes the regular sized one on the end. I have never seen anyone go for the kiddie or middle urinal when given the option. You can't go next to the first guy when a spacer is available (rule two). So that means when the second person comes in they have to pee in the kiddie urinal (rule six). So why not put the kiddie urinal in the middle? That way the first two get the regular sized urinals with a spacer. It's not like there are ever three people peeing simultaneously. Plus I imagine etiquette would dictate that if you come upon a sole-remaining double flanked kiddie you use a stall.

Also as a side note, why the hell is there a kiddie urinal in an office building? I mean granted there is a midget, but he works on a different floor. Can't the children and little professionals just use the stall, I mean, I doubt I could pee if there was a midget peeing next to me. I would fear getting my backspray on his shirt or something.

Brian Gets Gay

That's what we in the blogohole call a hook. What? He got gay? With a Dude? I kinda always knew. No I didn't really get gay, but I got close to gay. And what is gay? Gay is the 39th Annual Chicago Gay Pride Parade. I went for the lesbians, and I stayed for the drag queens on unicycles. Also, it turns out there is a big difference between porno lesbians and real life lesbians. Who knew?

I was really fun and pretty cool and best of all is that it is only 2 blocks from my house. I had mentally braced for it, but was still a little in awe. I took some pictures that I will share with you. You shouldn't be reading my blog at work anyways.

Like any good parade, it is important to start off with a tranny in the back of a hummer



Whatever this is... I hope the guy in the blue gets his hi-five


For some reason this guy wasn't a big hit


Of course the ROTC showed up. That's the Ridiculously Outrageous Twirling Corps, naturally.

I had a gay old time. On the way back home I was walking down the side street to my house, when someone yelled my name from across the street. Sure enough it was the Knapps and Elizibeth. It's not often that I randomly see my college friends hanging out a half block from my house. They said the only reason they noticed me was because I was wearing a Michigan shirt. Imagine that, if it wasn't for my shirt choice I would have probably walked right by them. The only word I could use to describe it was bizarre. Because that's what it was.

Brian invests in America; Lotto, Ebay, Flags, Eagles, Sunglasses and Trucks

My little scratch off hobby has grown into a full blown addiction. I know this because everyday after - and sometimes before - lunch I go to 7-11 and play the instant game. Any winnings get immediately re-invested. That might not make me an addict, but I'm pretty sure anytime your using the ATM in the 7-11 to get out cash for lotto tickets it means your on the edge. Your overboard when you start playing the 20$ ticket. I'm overboard. This is what the drawer in my cubicle looks like.
Underneath the 60$ of lotto tickets, Pop Rocks, take-out menu's and Ramen are some 5.25 inch floppy's labeled "1985". But today I won 25$. It was on a 20$ ticket mind you, so I only really won 5$. But when she handed me 25$ it felt like 25$. So I decided to keep the cash and blow it all on eBay.

I got the polarized Oakley Fives 2.0 that I wanted. I Then decided that I needed some more Americana. So I bought some American flags. I already have an amazing 10 foot Stars and Bars, that is in my room right now. So it was time for the novelty flags. I choose these two.

and
The question lingering is which one I should put up in my cubicle. It's too bad I only have room for one. I'm thinking truck. Then I can wear the eagle flag as a cape.

These two babies should be here before the 4th. Unfortunately I won't be able to fly them on the 4th, because I'll be doing something much more American. I will be traveling one tenth of the way across America in a bus.

Finally

Today at work my phone started to buzz. I contained an event: "Xanadu DVD Re-Release!" I don't remember entering an event in my phone about it, but would anyone else know my secret love of Xanadu, the story of a Greek muse, Clio, who descends from Mt. Olympus to Venice Beach, California in 1980 on a quest to inspire a struggling artist, Sonny, to achieve the greatest creation of his life - a roller disco. But, when Clio, disguised as an Australian roller girl named Kira, falls into forbidden love with the mortal Sonny, her jealous sisters take advantage of the situation, and Clio risks eternal banishment to the underworld.

Also who else would know that the DVD would be re-released on DVD June 24, 2008. And that the "Magical Music Edition" will feature a "Going Back to Xanadu" featurette and the film's theatrical trailer. But what I really want is the bonus music CD with the complete soundtrack that will also be included.

Well, I know what I'm doing this weekend. Thank you Olivia Newton-John, thank you.

Poops

I'm sorry if this post is a little Shitty.

I have a fear of taking poops in public restrooms. I have never been a big fan. Actually until last month I had only ever taken 3 poops in public toilets. Once in 9th grade in order to get out of running during gym. There was no toilet paper and the toilet overflowed, needless to say it was miserable. Then one more time junior year, before a pep assembly, that otherwise would have resulted in my death. It was possibly the foulest thing that has ever occurred. Then there was this one time last summer that I wrote a blog post about but never published. Here it is:

Normally I don't like to poop away from home base. But some dire circumstances resulted me in taking a level 6 Power Dump in the basement of the Union. The last 2 poops that I took in a public bathroom were once during my Junior year of high school right before a pep rally that left me so dehydrated that I almost passed out. And once freshmen year during gym to get out of running. But my life choices Saturday of 3 Coney Dogs from Mr. Greeks, and a fifth of Cisco finally caught up to me Sunday at 3pm.

I do work in the basement of the Union because I can get free refills of cola while I work, there are a few computers down there. Halfway into my operations modeling homework the hammer fell. I didn't want to give up so easily, and thought it would just go away. It turns out my band aid solution was a complete failure. Plus I knew that our bathroom at home only had paper towel, which is a weak substitute for TP. It cleans up the mess, but it burns. I ended up penguin walking to the bathroom and barely making it to the handicapped stall. From there it all went to hell. I was playing this homeless dude in battle shits turd for turd. He would fart, I would blow ass. Due to a faulty sensor, every time I would move the toilet would flush, which probably needed to be done anyways. I went into that stall a boy and came out a man. Plus the look of the admiring homeless man made me feel quasi-gay quasi-hero. It was an experience that will not be soon forgotten.

Perhaps I should explain why I don't like pooping in public. It's not the cleanliness of the bathroom that's the problem, its the judging. I always fear like everyone is thinking "Ohh, there's that kid taking a shit again." Like if it is really smelly people will judge you. Or usually you have to pee before you can start pooping, and the pee is always audible. What if people think you just in there peeing sitting down. They can see your shoes you know. Also, when I poop I tend to start the show with a fart. Actually, I have this problem with peeing, sometimes you just need a fart to get things moving. There is something awkward about ripping one in front of people, even in a bathroom. I always start to laugh, which is a weird thing to do while taking a poop or pee in public. So maybe I am just self conscious about it, but what the hell do I know I'm just in the middle of a poop war.

My roommate Pete has absolutely no problem with this. One time he made me stop in a KFC in Portage to poop, and he didn't even buy anything. Once at McDonald's he took a poop while waiting for his food. A McDonald's? Really? He holds off until he gets to north campus to poop. But maybe that's because the state of toilets at our house.

But thing have begun to change. I am overcoming my fear, through the magical discovery of the office poop. I was first tipped off of it's presence by my friend Paul, in an email from last summer.

I’ve scheduled all my poops so that they occur during work time. It’s fantastic.

So now that I have started work and realized that when Peter Gibbons said "I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work" he was actually right. So I needed a way to fill the other 39 hours. That is done by office poops. It's like a free break. I am really coming into my own in the genre, and I even sometimes bring in my Ipod or crossword. Usually after I finish I issue a field report to Evan on GChat, he is teaching me some of the finer aspects of the office poop. But hopefully this will help me overcome my fear of public dumps in general. It reminds me of a passage in a book I was reading a bit ago.

On the way out, as I stopped to use the bathroom, I found Extramask
standing there, twirling an unwashed lock of hair in his fingers. "Are you
waiting for the toilet?" I asked.
"Sort of," he replied nervously. "Go ahead."
I gave him a quizzical look. "Can I tell you something?" he asked.
"Sure."
"I have a lot of trouble peeing beside guys in urinals. When there's another guy standing there, I can't fucking pee. Even if I'm peeing already and
a guy walks up, I stop. And then I just stand there all nervous and shit."
"No one's judging you."
"Yeah," he said. "I remember about a year ago, a guy and I were trying
to piss in these urinals that were right next to each other, but we both just
ended up standing there. We stood there for around two minutes, recognizing each other's pee-shyness, until I zipped up and went to another
bathroom."
He paused. "The guy never thanked me for changing bathrooms that
day."
As I left the bathroom, he was still standing there. "I always liked urinal
dividers," he said. "But you only seem to find them at the classy places."

By the end of the book, he has learned to pee next to other dudes.

I even have some friends who every June partake in a gentleman's game of office poops. In the game you count your poops incurred at work during the month. There is no prize, and it is done on the honor system. So it just shows that there is a group of people in this crazy mixed up world that does not reject the office poop, but rather warmly embrace their ability to dump while at work.

Will Power

I like to test my willpower from time to time. Once in High School I stopped eating Meat for a year just to see if I could do it. It kinda started when I wanted to know what it would be like to be Hindu, so I tried not eating meat for a week. When It was over, I had not eaten meat for a year. It also pissed off my mom, which is always a plus when your in High School.

So as another challenge, last summer I decided to give up listening to one of my favorite bands. I had been listening to Brand New since the first time I heard them on a cold Thursday morning, at the stop light at Hickory Grove and Woodward in February of 2005. (It was on the Avondale High School radio station) After 2 and a half years I was still listening to them, and decided to stop. I deleted the songs from my computer and Ipod and basically just lived life.

11 months later I decided that I had proven to myself that I could do it. So I just re-downloaded all of the albums After 11 months off I came back with all the swagger of the day after Lent. Back on the Ipod, on repeat. I'm pretty sure that if I had to, I could give up smoking, or meth, but probably not beer.