Cougar Hunting

Last night Evan and I decided to go cougar hunting on Main Street. It's a Tuesday night but whatever. So we head over to Melange, a basement "bistro wine bar". The place is dead, but they do have a DJ. We stay for a few drinks and try to break into a bachelorette party. Sidenote: Who has a bachelorette party on a Tuesday? So that doesn't go to well, and by not going to well, I mean the entire party leaves. We're guessing (trying to convince ourselves) that they were leaving anyways, so we leave too.

We try to head over to Live at Pj's but it, Cavern Club and Circus are all closed. The only bar that is open over there is 8 Ball. I'm in jeans and a buttondown, Evan is in a shirt and tie. We don't really fit in, but we do slam a couple of 1$ PBR's bottles. We've still only spent probably 2 minutes talking to girls. But we leave for Monkey Bar and sit at the bar. I'm now drunk. Evan makes his move on 2 girls in their mid twenty's at the end of the bar. We move down and learn a little bit about them. I spend 45 talking to this girl, realizing that she has a 3 year old son, and a DUI, and isn't drinking and lives in Jackson. She's a real winner. The other girl though had a BF. Now I'm really drunk. At some point she mentions Iowa. I say "Iowa's fucking awesome." She says, "Iowa sucks". I say "Fuck You! Iowa Rules." Then they leave.

Evan and I head over to Fleetwood for some food and then grab a cab home, with no trophy's to mount from our hunt, only a bad case of the greasy Fleetwood Hippie Hash farts.

Time Zones

Ya know what really dunks my donut? When times zones are unrepresentative of people sleep habits. I mean really. It's like the bane of my existence.

It's like this, people don't go to bed when the sun sets, and they don't get up when the sun rises. Without Daylight Savings Time, the sun would rise at 5am and set at 8:15pm in June. In January the sun rises at 8 am and sets at 5:30 pm. Sure maybe half the population is awake at 8am but no one goes to bed at 5:30. That's dumb.

This is a chart of the percent of people awake at any given time of day for Ann Arbor Michigan. I made it using my best estimate of when people go to bed and wake up. The blue box is the sunlight times in summer with DST, so it is shifted over an hour.

My point is that the box should be put in the center of people's day. The boxes should be centered around 2pm. And why don't we observe DST all year round? Does anyone really like the sun setting at 5pm? Why not have the sun rise at like 9am and set at 6pm.

Furthermore, I live on the western edge of my time zone so people on the east coast have the sun rise at 7:15 am and set at 4:30 pm in the winter. Even with daylight savings time the sun rises at 5:30 am in June.

I feel like I'm the only person who cares about this. Everyone I try to explain this to doesn't think it's a big deal. But even Venezuela decided to change it's time zones by 30 minutes to fit peoples lives better, and if Chavez can do it why can't we?

Dutch > Belgian

The Dutch have given so much to our lexicon:
Going Dutch
Double Dutch
Dutch Oven
Dutch Rudder
Dutch Wife
Flying Dutchman

Belgium not so much:
Belgian Waffles

Brian Writes an E-mail

A couple of weeks ago I got an email urging student to pass on things about North Campus that bother them. They had some sort of feedback committee that would review them or something. Well, there are many things that annoy me about North Campus so I decided to email him back with one of my complaints.

Subject: Climbing stairs really ticks my clock!

Hi,

You know what really gets my goat about north campus? When you walk between the Laurie building and the north campus diag you have to walk down a flight of stairs and then almost immediately up another flight of stairs, talk about busting my butt! And what really frosts my balls about the whole situation is that it looks like such a straight shot over to the walkway on the other side. There should be a bridge, fallen timber or zipline so that I don't have to walk down the stairs and then right back up.

It's just something that really grinds my gears. I've attached a picture to illustrate how much this chaps my ass.

Brian


He then actually responded that they would discuss it at their next meeting. I'm not holding out much hope for any improvement though.

Brian Slams Poetry

This morning I was on the bus to North Campus for a class I didn't realize was optional, when I saw an advertisement for a Poetry Slam in the Union that was taking place tonight. Something about the words Poetry Slam just make me laugh. I had to go.

I floated the idea to my roommates over a CIAYCELB (Cottage Inn All You Can Eat Lunch Buffet). They sounded intrigued. The plan was to slam some beers, slam some poetry, and then come home and slam some poetry girls. When I got home at 5 they had already started part one. They were three hours into part 1, and it was 4 hours before the slam. I went to my room to write my words. Writing poetry is hard, especially when words only seem to rhyme with dirty words.

When we got there we were surprised by a $3 cover charge. I actually paid for my roommates to watch me slam. We were there about a half hour early. My roommate Brick was ridiculously intoxicated. People were pointing at him, most likely because he kept pulling a flask out of his pajama pants and doing straight pulls. With the impending doom of him getting kicked out of a poetry slam we sent him home.

Finally my time came. People would hear my song. I got on stage and just let the flow take me over. But I didn't have my poem memorized and I stuttered a lot. But this is what came out.

A Farewell Tour? Hardly

You're just back for a short time
for how long you won't say
Just a ploy to get my dollar
Trick me into falling for you again
I spent so long loving you
But you just left a hickory taste in my mouth

You've done this before
You've toyed with me
You've led me on
I don't care that you said you were a limited time offer
What you did left me hungry
And that hurt the most

I've waited for your smell
I've longed for you taste
Your soft outsides and meaty insides
This time I won't lose you
I'll make the most of our time together
You will always have a place in my stomach

The third and final McRib farewell tour.

I was supposed to say "Respect" and walk off stage, but I was as little to nervous. I don't think anyone quite got how my love of the McRib was like that of a returning ex-girlfriend, most thought it was about rape or something. Needless to say there was no slamming of poetry girls. Whatever, now I've slammed poetry and you can never take that away from me.

The Greatest College Football Tour Ever

Together Mark and I did the the greatest college football tour for two broke college kids. It took us to 11 games in 5 states. We saw 15 teams, a Heisman winner, a #1 team, and 3 interstate rivals. We went 4,300 miles and drove through 9 different states. We saw teams from 5 different conferences. We watched games in the 3 biggest stadiums in the country (and number 10). There were nine weekends in a row that I was at a football game. The games weren't always memorable, in fact they were mostly terrible, but the trips I will never forget.

This weekend was the end of the tour. We drove down to Tuscaloosa, AL for the Iron Bowl. Alabama-Auburn is widely considered the second best rivalry in the nation after Michigan-Ohio State. Mark used to worked with a kid named Josh who goes to Bama, and he managed to find us tickets. Mark came home with me for Thanksgiving and the morning after we left at 6:30 to drive all day. Since gas in so cheap right now the entire drive down cost $60.

We made it to Tuscaloosa early that night and Josh had some of his friends up from Auburn. We got to the drinking early and he had a room entirely decked out in Bama gear, it was pretty crazy. We sat around for a few hours with long necks of Bud Light and told stories. One of the kids from Auburn told some hilarious stories. We decided to go out around 10:30. We went to a house to pre-game, it was the usual $5 a cup deal that always catches me a little by surprise because I'm so not used to it. We then went over to a frat. All the frats at Alabama look exactly the same which kinda sucks because it is usually cool to the different types of frat houses but theirs are all brick with white columns and black shutters. The frat we went to was U-shaped and had a courtyard in the middle. One thing I've picked up on from the SEC is that there is always live music. They had a room about the size of a volleyball court that had the band in it, and about 250 people inside. We had to schmooze some of the brosefs to get a beer because everything is BYOB down there. The band was a cover band that played mostly Van Halen, AC/DC, Bon Jovi and rock. Mark climbed up on the rafters, hung upside down from his knees and chugged a beer. That was very cool, and it got ever more awesome when the band played Sweet Home Alabama.

The next morning we woke up and got ready for game day. The weather was 60 and drizzling, so of course Mark and I wore shorts and a T-Shirt. Thankfully the light rain kept us cool. We both got some Bama gear because like normal, I brought 5 Michigan shirts for a 3 day trip. It's always lame to wear a shirt of a school that isn't playing that day, and we let the guy in the Ohio State gear know it. We got some southern Bar-B-Que sammiches and went to the stadium. It should be noted that like most SEC schools tailgating is limited to food and not chugging as much beer as humanly possible. I've been told that it is because of tradition or the football teams being good enough that people actually want to watch them but I think I finally figured part of it out, at least for Alabama, the student seating is done by first come first serve general admission. So the students all arrive to the game a few hours before kickoff. Since Josh is a huge fan, and by huge I mean that he hasn't missed a home or away game in over 3 years, we got there when the gates opened. But it is also tradition for Mark and I to tailgate before the game, so on the way we bought a 10 pack of Jim Beam single shots and snuck them into the game. We bought a couple of cokes and did the bulk of our tailgating at our seats in row 15 on the ten yard line.

The student section is mostly full by the about an hour before kickoff. Also, all the Greeks sit together separate from the rest of the student body, which is weird.

The stadium rocked. It only furthered my belief that every college football stadium should have a sound system. Now I've never heard Jump Around at Camp Randall, but I have heard Hey Baby in Beaver Stadium, Dixieland Delight in Neyland and Sweet Home Alabama in Jordan-Hare and although I like the band, you can't beat a sound system to pump up the fans. The entire lower bowl stood for the entire game alumni included. I was kinda hoping that Auburn would make a game out of it, but 'Bama just stomped them to end a 6 games losing streak to Auburn. Surprisingly the Auburn fan that we sat with didn't get as much shit as I would have expected, and once it got really bad in the 4th one of the Alabama fans gave him his flask because, well, he needed it. With about a minute left in the game I got to participate in the Rammer-Jammer cheer, which was tits. Even thought the game was over around the middle of the third quarter no one left the stadium for at least 20 minutes after the game.

We finally left and got some beer before going over to a house to watch the late games. Mark and I decided to split a case of Miller Lite. We grabbed some food along the way at a greasy dive pizza place. I tried to keep up with mark but he somehow got ahead of me. When we left to drive to downtown Tuscaloosa bars he was up 12-10. But we finished off the last two while riding in the back of a truck to bars that was being driven by a man who looked like he could have starred in 70's pornos. We got the the bars and the previous 11 beers didn't prevent me from taking Jaeger, Tequila and Soco + Lime shots. Of course the bar had a band, but I don't really remember a whole lot. I did manage to get down another beer before things got spotty. But my next memory is of me in the back of a cab covered in my own upchuck. Then I remember spewing chunks out the window of a cab. I think Mark payed him 3 times the meter price. We got home and Mark says I was throwing Haymakers at him as he was trying to get me to bed. But at least I didn't pee myself like I did in Knoxville.

Our goal was to leave at 7 or 8 the next morning for the drive back to Ann Arbor but we didn't wake up until 10. Thankfully Mark somehow was able to drive for 500 miles before I took over. The ride home took us 13 hours, and the entire trip was 23 hours of driving for 40 hours in Tuscaloosa. My only regret is that we didn't get to stop at Big Jim's Boobie Bungalow, I don't know the next time I will have that opportunity.

Post College Plan 4

In about 6 months I will graduate college and supposedly become a productive member of the work force. This scares me. I really don't want to wake up everyday at 7 AM and go to a job for 8 hours. To avoid this I have be thinking of ways that I can still do whatever I want but not be forced to work 48 weeks a year.

This one is great because once I do it, I will never have to work again. All I need to do is hunt down Osama Bin Laden. It won't be easy, but if I can do it I will get $50 million from the State Department, $2 million from the pilots association and possibly $1 million from Bruce Willis. The best part is that I don't even have to capture him. All I need to do is give information that leads to his arrest or capture. I can already narrow the list down to a handful of probable countries. Then all I need to do is follow the insulin that he needs for his diabeetus. The insulin goes into a cave, I call the CIA, $53 million, drinks on me.

The Ken Griffey Jr. Party

In mid May my roommate Brick started a quest to win the 1996 world series. Sweet Brick struggled through 162 complete games of Ken Griffey Jr. baseball over the course of the past 6 months and last Thursday he beat the Padres FTW. We made a bit of an event for the achievement.


We got a couple of kegs and all bought Value World out of baseball attire. The game started at 10pm and about 30 people showed up to cheer him on. We of course had to set up a PA system so we could do play by play and sing the National Anthem.

This is us singing the National Anthem with everyone facing the "TRUCKS" flag. We all sat on the couches behind brick and cheered him on. Brick, got out to an early lead due to his stacked roster:

Walker RF
Bonds LF
Piazza C
Griffey Jr. CF
Molitor 3B
Hansen 1B
Gwynn 2B
Jeter SS
E. Martinez DH

He scored 4 homers en route to a 6-2 win. When he got the final out all hell broke loose. 4 bottles of champagne were sprayed. There were high-fives everywhere and so much yelling. Someone put on "We Are the Champions" and we presented Brick with a trophy and put him on our shoulders and carried him around the house.

We then just partied all night, hard enough to get a noise violation. But not me because I had to work the next morning at 5:40.

Post College Plan 3

In about 6 months I will graduate college and supposedly become a productive member of the work force. This scares me. I really don't want to wake up everyday at 7 AM and go to a job for 8 hours. To avoid this I have be thinking of ways that I can still do whatever I want but not be forced to work 48 weeks a year.

This is by far my favorite and most feasible plan. It also involves the most work and risk.

I have talked for the past 2 years about opening a bar at the corner of State St. and Packard. I have told most of the people I know about what a great idea it is.

Most of the student population lives in the area south of Hill St. Yet the nearest bars are located up on State Street and South University Ave. For a students living at East U. and Greenwood they have to walk 2,200 feet to get to the closest bar (Charlie's). For a student living at Mary and Benjamin they are 3,500 feet away. There are lots of times when my friends and I want to go out to the bars, but convince ourselves not to because they are so far away. This gets even worse in the winter.

I've been to quite a few other schools. One thing I always notice is the quility of the bar scene. I think for a school of our size we should really have a couple more bars. My nights are usually spent between Charlie's and the Jug with occasional trips to the Blue Lep, BDubs, Mitch's and Rick's. When there is a 15 minute line at every bar on South U, I wish there were a few more bars.

Opening a bar at State and Packard would be ideal. It is in the heart of the off-campus housing population and at a big intersection. Also, it would be the perfect place to have a bar on football gamedays and hockey nights. There isn't a single bar within a half mile of Yost.

When I first started thinking about it, my tentative plan was to move into the vacant Saki Bombs. But then Get Your Game On moved in. But in another turn of event the proprietors of Atlanta Bread Company decided they did not like making money and turned their store into Artisan Organic Bistro. They are open about 4 hours a day and I am taking bets on weather it or Get Your Game On will close first. I heard that the Organic Bistro isn't supposed to make it past the end of the year. Artisan Organic Bistro is nearly ready to be a bar. It has an open layout and with a couple of TV's it could be a bar as is, even though I would definitely make some changes.

My only fear is that I could become that creepy old dude that still thinks he is in college. I saw Mitch of Mitch's Place in an alley behind a dumpster smoking cigarettes. He is like 40 years old now. But then again I see BTB Adam at the bank all the time and he seems to be making lots of money. I bet owning a bar isn't as glamorous as it seems. You probably have to do a lot of work, but you would be soooo drunk all of the time it wouldn't matter. I've seen It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, that looks like fun. I hear the hours kinda suck, but as long as I'm not doing Charlie work I think I'll be fine.

I have a few names in mind. The Narwhal is the current leader.

Post College Plan 2

In about 6 months I will graduate college and supposedly become a productive member of the work force. This scares me. I really don't want to wake up everyday at 7 AM and go to a job for 8 hours. To avoid this I have be thinking of ways that I can still do whatever I want but not be forced to work 48 weeks a year.

I am already planning a trip to Alaska to prospect gold. So my second post college plan involves me striking it rich in the gold fields. Lets say I stumble upon the motherlode (that's a golden pun (ohh that's rich)) I then can really do nothing all year. My work would involved going camping for a few weeks a year and just collecting more money from the ground. I figure that I would only need to gather 7 or 8 pounds of gold a year to make just as much or more money than I would working a full time job. Sounds pretty easy to me.

Post College Plan 1

In about 6 months I will graduate college and supposedly become a productive member of the work force. This scares me. I really don't want to wake up everyday at 7 AM and go to a job for 8 hours. To avoid this I have be thinking of ways that I can still do whatever I want but not be forced to work 48 weeks a year.

My initial idea is to make a fortune on the internet. But how do you make all those internet monies? It's not by selling other peoples shit on eBay. I think I could start a pretty successful website. The trick is catering to your audience. Through my experiences I have found that the most peaceful thing in the world is a fat Asian kid napping. For some reason when an overweight Asian kid is catching some Zzz's it just puts my mind at ease. I bet there are others out there who also find it very peaceful. So I want to start NapTube. It's just like YouTube, but instead of crying teenage girls it's just streaming video of heavyset Asian kids napping. I'll leave it as NapTube just in case I want to expand to skinny albino adults napping in the future. Hey it worked for those people over at CryingWhileEating.com

Don't Vote

The last presidential election was during my senior year of High School. I didn't vote, and here is why.

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~bcruss/dark%20side%20of%20voting.jpg

Also, I was only 17 years old.

What I would bequeath the University of Michigan

It appears from the amount of plaques around campus that each graduating class gives a gift to the school. I have no idea who gets to decide what we give the school, or how our class pays for it. I have an idea for a class gift but I have no one to present it to. The only person I know in MSA is dating the guy who made fun of me in front of the Ann Arbor City Council. So I guess I'll tell you my idea and hope that the Director of University Giving is an avid blog reader.

The class of 1870 purchased a statue of Benjamin Franklin and gave it to the University. The statue stood just north of University Hall, where Angell Hall stands today. Here is a picture:

Unfortunately the Class of 1870 had thought they had purchased a bronze statue but in fact it was made of Pewter. Student would regularly paint his trousers and jacket maize and blue. The statue stood there for the next 29 years. In 1899 a student wedged a beer bottle in to Mr. Franklin's pocket. To prevent further deterioration the University decided to drill a hole in his head and fill him with cement. Of course as any material science major could tell you, cement filled pewter + winter = deterioration. The greatest American didn't make it to see his 30th birthday.

So I think it would be prudent of our class to re-give a statue of Benjamin Franklin and restore his place on our fine campus.

I don't work hard for my money

This is the week I get some of that internet money. Yes my friends, by the end of this week I should be holding a check from The Google for 102.06 dollars. When I got AdSense almost a year ago my goal was to have enough money in a year to buy a forty of Colt45. I underestimated my earning potential (you guys) by about 330%. The question is what should I do with my new found wealth. Since I really don't feel I have done anything to earn this money, I figure that I should spend it on something cool. I am open to idea's, but I have a few in mind.

Blogging party
This could be one of two things; a party for myself and fellow blog readers paid for by my blogging earnings, or it could be just a party that I liveblog during. Either way it would be a celebration of my blogging prowess, in which everyone would be required to read some of my posts aloud and discuss my pure blogging genius. But I really want to make use this money for more than a keg of Keystone Light.

Low risk long term retirement savings account
Um, yeah you know in like a long time this money will be worth more and then I can like, do things with the money I got from when I blogged during college. This sounds lame.

Fight Ann Arbor's unfair chicken ordinance
I don't know how much money it takes to fight city hall. Especially when my lawyer fee's are covered in my tuition. If I have any money left over though I can use it to file a permit, build, and care for Elwood Blues.

Rent a midget
I wonder how long you can get a midget for $102.

Put it into the AR-15 fund
I still haven't bought my assault rifle, mostly because they cost more monies than the intertubes provides. This could start the fund. The other reason I haven't bought one is that if I move to Chicago next year, I would have to get rid of it because of their Assault Weapons Ban.

Give it to charity
ha.

Build the zipline
I have always wanted to make a zipline from the third story of our house up the street to Bell's pizza. That way I wouldn't have to walk all the way downstairs to go to Bell's.

Become a day trader
I could get an E-Trade account, and become a day trader. Then I could get enough money to do everything listed above. Except give it to charity of course. I really don't know much about the stock market or investing, but I do have a Stocks application on my iPhone. If I make money then wooo! or else I can enjoy the financial crises like all other Americans.

I work hard for my money

I got up this morning at 6:45 am. I rolled into work to do a 6 hour charter. The charter was to drive a bunch of student to the Target on Main Street for some corporate thing. They were supposed to be ready at 7:30. They didn't board the bus until 8:10. I then drove them to target and went back to base. I didn't have to pick them up again until 12:30 in the afternoon. That left me with a good amount of time.

I drove home and got some books and papers so I could study. I also grabbed some breakfast while I was home. I came back and started reading Call of the Wild at the table in the break room. Then I sat on the couch. Then I laid down on the couch. Then I was asleep. Eventually I started snoring and one of my co-workers woke me up. We started talking about how inefficient the bus system is. Of course, as we were talking both of us were getting paid to sit around the break room. Anyways he told me that I should present my ideas to management. So I spent the next 40 minutes outlining one of my ideas that I believe would save the department $10,000 a year and reduce fleet miles by 2,500 miles a year. I told this to my supervisor, and he said I should look into it further. Though I don't know if I want to spend my spare time doing free consulting.

Anyways, it was about time to go get the kids from Target. I decided to stop on the way for a McChicken and Double Cheeseburger. Then I sat in the Target parking lot for 20 minutes waiting for them to come out. When I thought about it I couldn't believe that they would pay to charter a bus to take them to Target. The price to charter a bus is $60 per hour, with a minimum of $180 dollars. So their 6 hour charter for the 25 of them cost $360. They could have taken cab's down there for less money. $360 to take 25 people 2 miles away and back. Wow.

So I dropped them back off at Campus and then I went to go finish of another driver's charter. It was a bunch of High School kids going to some thing at the B-School. I sat in my bus for about half an hour and then drove them back to Huron High School. Then I drove back to base and went home.

I worked over 7 hours today and spent approximately 40 minutes driving people around.

No one explicitly enjoys working, but most people have to in order to make money. So if you must work you should make as much as you can for the least amount of effort and least amount of risk. The only problem is that effort generally affects pay rate. So most high paying jobs require a considerable amount of effort (generally in time and mental strain). But what's weird is that most low paying jobs also require a great deal of effort like being a janitor or coal miner (generally physical). So the best jobs then are the ones that pay well for very little actual work like the students who work at the information desk's or in the fishbowl. It makes me wonder why some people work really hard at jobs that pay so little money, when really anyone can drive a bus, or become a receptionist or something.

So take three jobs students generally have; Cafeteria Worker, Tutor, Drug Dealer, and my job, Bus Driver. On a scale of one to five (five being the highest) here is how I would rate them in effort, risk and payment. Assuming no one gets any satisfaction from their job of course.

Job	Effort	Risk	Payment
Cafeteria Worker	4	2	2
Tutor	3	0	4
Drug Dealer	1	5	5
Bus Driver	2	1	3

In terms of an effort to payment rate, I would guess the best job on campus would be dealing drugs. But the only problem is that it is a high risk job. Injury's and arrests would deter me from doing it. The amount of effort that is involved driving a bus to the amount of payment is pretty good. Of course I risk getting a ticket (which is rare in a bus) or getting into an accident. I'm not certain that I have the best job on campus but I feel like compared to many other jobs mine is significantly less taxing and the pay is very decent.

I will say that being a Minority Peer Advisor in a residence hall is probably the best job on campus in terms of effort to pay. Apparently the time commitment is only 15-20 hours a week and for that you get free room and board and a cash stipend of about $3,000.

P.S. I coded the table in HTML myself. Booya! But I can't figure out the gap between the text and the table.

Box house: we're big on page 6C

There is an article in the paper today about the box house. Did you know Tom Champion started the box house?

Here is the link to the story.
http://www.michigandaily.com/content/2008-10-22/party-must-go

I'm just getting all sorts of press coverage these days.

The Penn State Weekend

Around 1pm on Friday Mark, James, Dave and I left Ann Arbor on a trip to see Michigan play Penn State. I had gotten the tickets this summer and was lucky because they sold out within 5 minutes of going on sale. I packed 6 shirts, 5 of them were Michigan shirts.

We made great time and got to the house where we were staying at around 7pm. The guy we were staying with had worked with Dave and James over the summer and lived right near downtown State College. It was a first floor apartment of a house, and was centerpieced by a 96 inch projection screen. Soon after we got there everyone else left to get a keg and I was alone when a girl came in who I could only describe as "loony". She had taken 3 Five Hour Energies and for some reason thought they were additive and she would be hopped up for 15 hours. I think she was on drugs. That night, the house had a party and we got to hang out with this kid's friends. We were amazed to find that they play "NBA Jams" rules in beer pong. I thought that was original to Ann Arbor. They had a pair of police grade handcuffs lying around and after a few drinks it seemed like a good idea to cuff one of Dave's wrists. I then found out that they didn't have a key, oops. We got a call from my buddy Rob saying that he was at a great party a few blocks away. We headed over to the house he was staying at, and Dave headed off to find a police officer to undo his handcuffs. At the other party were severely accosted by Penn State fans, in much they same way we would accost them, verbally not physically. We went back to our house and found that Dave had quite the time explaining to the cops why he was semi-handcuffed.

After getting back, it was pretty late and I had told my cousin Mike that I would meet him for breakfast at 10 on Saturday. Unfortunately, there was still a party going on, and I was exhausted. So I decided to go out and sleep in the car. At 5:19 in the morning I woke up in the front seat of a Dodge Stratus and couldn't feel my extremities. I headed back inside and found a piece of flooring. During the party they had the door open, so even inside it was around 50 degrees. It was the worst night of sleep I have gotten in a long time.

On gameday we woke up and headed to meet up with my cousin and his wife Lynne and their friends Jeff and Melissa. Breakfast consisted of Long Island Iced Tea's and Nachos. We then said hi to my Aunt and Uncle for a minute and then headed over to the stadium with is all the way across campus from downtown. Surrounding the stadium are a bunch of large fields where most of the tailgating takes place. Mike took us to a few tailgates where we were either welcomed or despised. The ones that despised us made us drink heavily. In the 50 minutes before game time Mark and I drank between 7 - 8 beers and I slapped the bag. Heading towards the stadium I tried to jump a wire fence and failed miserably and landed on my head. Like most reasonable schools, open intox laws are relaxed on gamedays, so we stood outside the stadium and chugged beers.

Our seats were in the Michigan section of the upper bowl of the stadium. Having been to a good number of college stadiums I must say that Beaver Stadium is one of my favorites. It really felt like a pro stadium, complete with a sound system and advertising (boo!). It reminded me a little bit of Ben-Hill-Griffin stadium at Florida in terms of intimidation factor. The first quarter and a half was great. The last 40 minutes was a painful hope-shattering, realization of our destitute.

After the game we wen't to get some slices of pizza that I still have heartburn from 24 hours later. Then we went to the bar to drink away the pain. We got some personal pitchers and after kicking our ass, most of the PSU fans were pretty nice. We talked to one alumni who was impressed at the amount of football games that we go to. He then bought us a pitcher and split it with us. That's right, we had a Penn State fan buying us drinks at the bar.

Mark and I then met back up with Mike and Melissa because I had bet a pitcher that Michigan would cover the 23.5 point spread. We went to a basement bar that had a huge number of beers on tap. I just drank Yeungling because I rarely get to order it in Michigan. We were pretty tired at this point and after a couple of pitchers we decided to pack it in. We staggered home and found some space on the floor to sleep. I think that night there were 15 people in a three bedroom apartment.

This morning I felt like complete garbage. My two roommates Brick and Andy had come out with a kid who was continuing on to Philly on Sunday so we told Brick we would give him a ride home if he sat bitch the entire way. Andy on the other hand, had to find his own way home from Happy Valley, and somehow managed to make it back to Ann Arbor with some random kids he met. We found my roommate brick at the Hooters in State College at 11 am on Sunday. The drive back went pretty well.

The trip wasn't nearly as crazy as the UT weekend but it was still fun. We kept running into other Michigan fans we know, and there was a good showing of Michigan fans at the game. The Penn State fans were as expected, hostile but not terribly bad. Downtown State College is great, with a good college town feel and lots to do. The loudness of the Beaver Stadium makes me wonder why our 110,000 fans are so quiet. Overall it was a really fun trip and one that I would definitely go again.

Brian Starts a Third Blog

I've started a third blog. This blog isn't dedicated to me, or a man who scares the shit out of me, or even a fast food restaurant. This is a blog that details all of the hypothetical situations that I encounter. It is over at ultimatehypotheticals.blogspot.com

The idea is that people (including you) can contribute hypotheticals to the blog. You know, if you're in the car and you're wondering if it would be worse to be a midget or have elephantiasis this is the place to get some opinions. So if you want to contribute to the blog let me know and I will add you as a contributor. At the very least check it out and answer some of the questions that are raging in my head.

Brian is Mentioned in the Ann Arbor Chronicle

Even though I was quoted in the daily today, I don't think anyone noticed because I would expect some people to have made a mention of it to me.

But one of my friends did tell me that I received my own paragraph in the Ann Arbor Chronicle. Prepare to be hillarified.

Russell, who is listed as a “Campus Legend” in the UM online directory, stated that he had lived off campus on State Street for three years. He noted the recent zoning change to the Burns Park area as reflective of community sentiment against student encroachment into neighborhoods and said that the 601 S. Forest project would mitigate against such encroachment by providing an alternative to the substandard housing alternatives near single-family neighborhoods. Compared to other Big Ten institutions, Russell characterized some UM off-campus housing options as “slum housing.” He stated that the improvement of student housing is the responsibility of both city council and student government, and suggested that current student government might not necessarily be mindful of the support among many students for the project.

They actually looked me up in the campus directory. Thank goodness I took out the part that said my favorite beverage was bathwater.

Brian Joins the Politcal Process

In high school I took alot of video classes to pass the time. Part of the classes involved assisting with the district TV stations coverage of everything from woman's softball to school plays. It's how I got my first sportscasting gig, doing the color commentary for woman's basketball. I also got to spend some time with the Shulkinator when we covered the school board meetings. I would usually sneak out of the broadcast booth to steal refreshments and to make public comments. I like making public comments because you can pretty much say anything you want until they cut your microphone.

Tonight I went to the Ann Arbor City Council meeting to voice my support for the development of 601 S. Forest. Unfortunately the developer caved under pressure and turned a great project into an average one. You should already know my opinion on the matter.

I got up and spoke about how it is a win-win-win for students, residents and the city. At the end I assured the council that despite MSA being against the project, students were in favor of improving off campus housing. It was at that point I stared down the MSA contingent. To be honest, why would MSA be against a project that would increase student off-campus housing? Wasn't part of your platform to improve off-campus housing? Do you honestly think that installing those 3 streetlights at East U. and Oakland counts as improving campus housing? A few minutes later the student body vice president came up and said "With no disrespect to Mr. Russell, no one has ever voted for him". He went on to talk about how MSA takes student input very seriously. Does that contradict itself?

I was quoted in an article in the Daily about it.

Anyways I better go back in two weeks to voice my concerns about the AA Chicken Ordinance being anti-student, pro-residents who don't live in the student ghetto.

LOL

There is a lot to lol at today.

LoL @ me texting stadium staff "I'm afraid I might poop myself".

LoL @ Al in a Bear Suit on national TV.

LoL @ my first hate comments on my blog. I guess this means I've made it in the world of blogging. Next, I need to start a flame war with some Tally Hall fans.

LoL @ our tailgate being considered with the frats as the best tailgate, by a blog that I openly hate.

Bacon Vodka

I read somewhere about a bar having made its own bacon infused vodka. This sounded like a wonderful idea, so I decided to replicate it. I could combine two of the best things in the world. How could this fail? The the vodka taste's too bacony? Impossible, I say. The beauty of this idea is the two end products are vodka that tastes like the most delicious thing ever, and bacon that will get you drunk.

So I fried up some strips of bacon and bought a fifth of Crown Russe Vodka and put them together in a Tupperware for a week. I stored it in a dark place and a week later it had turned into a pale yellow liquid with bacon fat suspended in it. I used a coffee filter to filter out the bacon fat and I was left with some homemade bacon vodka. Unfortunately it smelled like rubbing alcohol.

Apparently I forgot what happened last time I combined two of my favorite foods.

It was then that I found out that two good things don't necessarily combine to form something better.

Although it smelled terrible, I decided to unveil it at the tailgate on Saturday. Since no one in my house would not try it, I passed it around to people who didn't know what it was. Half of them immediately threw up, the other half were convinced it was urine. I took 4 swigs, and while it did taste like bacon, it wasn't something I would drink again. But I still have three strips of vodka bacon that I can make into a killer BLT.

As for an event that doesn't deserve its own post but is still good. Today there was some 5k run that they had state street closed in front of our house. So we sat on the porch to watch the people run. I picked up a Cottage Inn and stood along the course offering runners pizza and beer. One guy had to turn around to get a slice, and a Fire Brewed Detroit Original. Then when the walkers came we played the song I Would Walk 500 Miles by the proclaimers. It was a beautiful Sunday Morning.

FYI

I just ate a sandwich that was just bread, mayo, cheese and very undercooked bacon. I now feel terrible.

Also, it is job recruiting season and believe it or not this blog might be viewed negatively by some employers. So the blog might be down for indeterminate lengths of time over the next several months. Thank goodness there is someone out there to push me down the Google search results.

The UT Weekend

This summer when Mark and I were talking about which away games we wanted to go to we joked about going down to Knoxville for the Tennessee - Florida game. We decided that going to UT would be absurd.

Last Wednesday when my old housemate Fritz called me up and asked if I wanted to go to Knoxville for the game I tried to think of a good reason not to go. I had no business going to Knoxville. The only thing that I could think of was "This could be quite blogable".

On Friday the 5 of us left. It was Me, Mark, Fritz and 2 of his frat buddies. We stopped at a Sonic and then picked up a case of beer for the last hour of the drive. Amazingly in Tennessee you can drink in a car as long as the driver isn't in possession of alcohol. The guys we stayed with, Brian and Chris, live in a really nice condo. It was far to nice for college kids to live in. Chris was like a mix between Tweeter from Varsity Blues, Don Dawson from Dazed and Confused, and Luke Wilson. After pounding some beers we went over to a party a few streets down. Just people chilling outside during a warm Tennessee night. Our hosts were both in a frat and they were having a "band party" that night even though on the way down we thought they were having a "man party". Instead of walking there the guy called a pledge to have him drive us over there. They put all of the pledges on a rotation and make they carry around beepers just in case a brother needs something. So we all crammed in the back of a pledge's Suburban with our beers and sang Rocky Top the entire way over to the frat house.

The frat wasn't so much a house as it was a compound. It looked like a mix between a dorm and the living quarters of a fire station. Southern hospitality is great because the guys there treated us like family. We got stoopid drunk then decided to hit up the bars on "The Strip" Before we left Chris had to go piss. He made one of the Pledges come into the bathroom with him and had him hold his beer while he peed. The pledge was standing behind him and he looks over his shoulder and yells "DON'T LOOK AT ME PLEDGE". Then he made the pledge give him a cigarette and light it, all without making eye contact. They really haze the shit out of those kids. If we hazed like that I would be much more inclined to join a frat. Hazing and keggers are the best things about the fraternity system, it's a shame Michigan is so PC about both, also date rape.

We had a pledge drive us to the bars while we yelled Rocky Top for the about the 12th time. Fritz, being Fritz, of course ran into someone he knew. I swear that kid can't eat a ham sandwich without seeing someone he knows. We grabbed some late night trash food and went back to the condo and polished off another case of beer and got some sleep before the big day.

On Saturday we woke up and got all dressed up for game, which was a T-Shirt I had gotten from a pledge. We went over to the frat house to hang out before the game. SEC tailgates are a little bit different than the "slam as many beers as you can" Big Ten style. Everyone gets dressed up. It appears that the recipe for success is cutoff's as short as possible (bonus points for corduroy or seersucker), dressy shirt, and dirtiest 'stache. All the guys in the frat had grown out their mustaches and they looked magnificent. And the girls. I wished someone had told me when I was a senior in high school about the girls of the SEC. There were so many turbo babes in orange sun dresses. These southern belles have smiles that would melt you heart, and bodies that would melt even the thickest M&M candy shell. The frat had some barbecue and a live one man band. We only have one speed, and that speed is let's get drunk. We just started binge drinking. Passing around a fifth of Jim Beam, chugging beers, doing shotguns in the shower. We made the musician play Rocky Top about 6 times. Everyone else was casually drinking, and we were at Crunktown city limits. Fritz gets us to play "Drunkest Man in America" where the objective is to be the drunkest man in America. It's my new favorite drinking game btw. We wandered over to another tailgate and ate some grilled alligator. We then went over to the stadium to get some tickets. Mark and I ended up getting seats together in the upper bowl of Neyland. We got chairs with seat backs and were in the front row so we could put our feet up. Of course we brought in some single shots of Jim Beam. We sat with our feet up sipping on Jim Beam and Cokes enjoying some hard nosed SEC football. We kept asking ourselves what we were doing in Knoxville. We were the rowdiest fans in our section by far.

After watching Tennessee get smoked we started back towards the condo and along the way Mark and I both bought bottles of Andre and then picked up a case of Keystones. On game days the cops don't enforce open intoxicant laws, which is awesome. We staggered through the streets of Knoxville trying to sing Rocky Top and taking swigs from our Andre's and being those guys. We could only remember 2 lines, and we didn't even have those right so we just kept repeating "Rocky Top oh Rocky Top, home sweet home to me, Rocky Top oh Rocky Top, WHOOOO, Rocky Top TENNESSEE" I don't care how many times Hail to the Victors gets voted best fight song in college football, Rocky Top is much better. Mark and I finally made it back, but are too drunk to walk up to the 4th floor, so instead we lay down on the grass and finish our champagne and sing Rocky Top. Andre is the Miller High Life of Champagne. We then start in on the case of beer. The condo across the street has a tiki bar on their balcony and people inside of it too. We wander over there for awhile before coming back across the street. Mark and I decided to go get food and we are convinced by a Dominoes employee to purchase a large pizza for 3.99. Mark is still certain that there was ejaculate on that pizza, but either way it was tasty.

We met back up with everyone and then headed out to the bars. We got to the bar and started doing shots. I've now been drinking for 13 hours and am completely hammered. I start texting people. I'm not sending normal texts, I'm sending completely absurd texts (mostly poo oriented) to random people in my phone book, most of whom I haven't talked to in a long time. Here is a sampling of some of what I sent:

"I made a dumpo on your bedsheets, come party with us."

"Can I put Seran Wrap over your face and then poop in your mouth?"

To a girl I hadn't talked to in a long time:
"What are you thinking about?"

"My meatrod is raging in Knoxville"

To my roommate ex girlfriend:
"Can I take you to grizzly peak?"

"I am Spartacus!"

"Can I have my way with you and 6 clones of your childhood dog?"

"I killed a dear!"

"You smell 12 times worse than Dave Wannstedt's 'stache. Will you date me?"

"Can I poop your bed?"
Her: "haha what?"
Me: "Is that a yes or a no?"
Her: "You can poop my bed anytime you'd like"

"Your a big dirty poo"

"Your my poopy queen"

"I ate out a lemur, where were you?"

By far the best one was to a girl I lived with 2 summers ago:
"I just strangled a hooker to death. What should I do now?"
Her response: "Who is this?"

Near the end of the night Fritz is at the bar and he keeps ordering shots so he can hit on the hot bartender. He would order shots and then turn to me and go "I'm not going to pay for these". After closing time we stumbled back to the condo with some girls we met at the bar, singing Rocky Top the entire way. When we get back we keep drinking and I totally blackout. I guess I go out on the balcony and when I come in like an hour later I have completely peed myself. I rarely blackout, but then again I rarely pee my pants. I pass out on the floor in just my boxers.

So that's one way to spend a weekend. I feel like my "Why not?" mentality is eventually going to come back and haunt me, but what the hell. It was quite possible the best weekend of my life. Plus, I now have the number 1 and 3 largest college football stadiums checked off my list this season and a trip to Happy Valley in a month should get me the silver. When else will I be able to live like this?

Brian uses his balls

There is only one way to deal with ruthless, soulless, logically inept organizations that are property management companies. That is to use your balls. With all their complaining about advertisements on the house, and kids living in basement, and me performing more than 10 minutes of auto work in my driveway. Sometimes you just have to go in there, threaten to take them to court, and make them look at your meaty balls.

Today I had to show my neighbors landlord my massive, yet nurturing balls. We park double wide in our driveway and also on the grass on the other side of our driveway. Like this.



Today we had notes on our cars that they were going to begin to tow our cars because they were parked on their lawn. Our neighbors don't care but I guess their property company does. But I like parking there so, I decided to show them my hunky balls. I called them up and the conversation went something like this.

My balls: Hi we live next door to your property at 1001 S. State. We park our cars beside our house and today we had notes on them from you guys saying you were going to tow them in the future. You see, when you put the addition on that house you built right up to the property line and our cars aren't on your property, but in fact your air conditioning units fall onto our property. We don't really care about your AC units being on our land, but if you try to remove our cars from our property we're going to take you to court and also remove your AC units from our property. They look like really nice units and I would hate to see anything happen to them.

Her: Uhh... I can't really talk with these juicy balls in my mouth.

She said something about bringing it up to the staff and shit. I told her that in the future they need to came talk to us and not leave unsigned notes on our cars. Then I rubbed my balls against the phone.

To be honest I have no clue where the property line falls, but I do know where by balls hang.

Back to the Heartland

Yesterday morning I got back from a weekend trip to Iowa City for the Iowa - Iowa State game. It was my 5th trip in the past year and a half. I went with Mark, Mike and John. We drove 18 hours for what boiled down to a 36 hour bender. Since people are never impressed with how much others claim to have drank, I will instead impress you with the amount of trash food that I ate.

We left Friday at noon, but left Mike P. in Ann Arbor to to finish a lab report. He ended up driving out solo later that day. I brought 2 Michigan shirts and one Iowa shirt. Along the way I got a few Whopper Jr's, O-Rings and Beef Jerky. We got there at five and started drinking at 5:10. We went out to dinner with Mark's parents, I had a dozen wings a few beers and a side of 'slaw. Then we went back to Mark's gf, Val's apartment where we continued to drink. Staying there with the 4 of us was Val's little brother and Val's roommate's friend from Iowa State. We kept drinking and then we hit the town. As per every Iowa post I must comment about the gnarliness of Iowa City's bar scene. A 3 by 3 block area with about 30 very large bars within it.

Saturday morning we woke up at 7 to tailgate. I ditched the guys and went with Val and her roommate to a true Iowa tailgate. Once you get a few blocks from the stadium the cops stop enforcing the open intoxicant laws. The tailgate was pretty good, but it is such a culture shock to have to pay 5$ to go to a tailgate. The coolest thing there was a paint can that had a gallon of mojito in it. I really hope they cleaned the paint out of it first. Maybe it was because I was still drunk, or maybe it was because I have been to Iowa enough, but I seemed to know about half of the people there. After awhile I went to Mark's parents tailgate because I had gotten a little too drunk at the other one. I scarfed down some brownies and eggs and washed it all down with a few Michelob Ultra's (the cans are ribbed for your pleasure).

The game was utterly boring. I stayed for the first quarter plus some. It was raining and I was about to crash for the past 7 hours of driving, 14 hours of drinking and 4 hours of sleeping. I went back to pass out for the rest of the game and on the way bought a porkburger for 1$. The power nap worked out really well because I was refreshed for the start of the Michigan-ND game at 2:30. We went to my favorite bar in IC, The Fieldhouse, to watch the Michigan game. While the game was depressing, I did get to preform the first original telling of the never released, best blog post ever. After the game we went back to Val's to watch Legally Blonde 1 & 2, and selected parts of Bring It On Again. We ordered Gumby's Pizza which is terrible, terrible food. It was about this time that the heartburn started to kick in. Also the farts. I put my ass literally on marks face and ripped one. He then punched me really hard in the hip (the hip?) which still hurts. I guess everyone else was too exhausted from the past 24 hours of drinking to go out. Except John, because we went out big. We met up with Val's very cute roommate McKaylee (I like that name) and some of her friends at one of the bars. We had a rackin' time out at the bars and didn't make it back until way late. I slept on the floor and am pretty sure that Mark got me back for that fart earlier, because when I woke up I had pink eye. The contents of my stomach at that point were so violate that I almost refused a IHOP trip. I went anyway but only got the carafe of cranberry juice and the fruit salad.

We left IC around 2 pm which was 4 hours after Mike and John had left to go home. Due to flooding from Hurricane Ike, I-94 was closed in Indiana. Right as we were entering the traffic backup, Mike and John were getting out of it, and despite leaving 4 hours before us, they were only 25 miles ahead of us. But it also took us about 4 hours (plus another 2 Whopper Jr's) to get through it and we didn't make it home until 1:30 AM. Since I pissed off my boss a few weeks back, I of course had to work Monday morning at 5:30. Which was nice.

The entire trip to was an excercise in novelty, and I can confidently say that for the roughly 2 days I was there my BAC probably didn't drop below .06. Also I've only averaged 4.5 hours a sleep for each of the past 3 nights. I have pink eye, my hip hurts, I have a cold, I am 150$ poorer and twice as likely to die before the age of 65. I can't wait till my next trip out to Iowa City.

Brian Adds to the Internet

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Brian Solves a Crime

Last night started as most Sunday nights should, splitting 20$ worth of Burrito Joint and 20$ worth of booze with my roommate Peter. We were watching college football, Unbreakable, Mario on N64 and of course, Gettysburg.



Around 11 I went over to my buddy Ben's house, where we proceeded to shotgun and chug beers. About midnight we left to go to some girl's birthday party on Benjamin, my old stomping ground.

The party was really good. They had kegs of Miller Lite and the party was full but not packed. You could easily move around or get a beer. I called some of my roommates to have them come over. Right about the time they got there someone threw a tiki torch at the porch. While everyone was looking at the kid who threw the tiki torch, I was looking at a kid in a red shirt and jeans untapping the keg. I figured that the keg was empty and he was going to give it to someone in the house. A few minutes later one of the girls in the house ran out and said that their tap was gone. It was then that that I knew all those years of reading Nancy Drew would pay off.

A minute later I saw the kid walking back to the party from the backyard. I told one of the girls that he was the one who stole the tap. She confronted him and then I went over and told him I saw him take it. He insisted his innocents. I took a play from the Hardy Boys: The Clue of the Hissing Serpent and apologized for accusing them of taking it and then talked to them for a few minutes. They said they were Evans Scholars and I told them that Evans Scholars wouldn't steal a tap, because they were good people. Afterwards, I went to my buddy Ben who said he didn't believe them for a second. I didn't believe them either, they never looked my in the eye and seemed really nervous. I told Ben to keep an eye on them.

Later I went to the porch to get a beer. The two kids saw this as there opportunity to get away and moved towards the back of the house. I told Ben to follow them to where they stashed the tap and I would flank from the left. He came back to me and told me that they got into a car and they were holding the tap. Gotcha Motherfuckers. I watched as they pulled out of the alley and turned up the street. I called the cops and told them that there was an intoxicated driver heading down Hill Street who was in possession of stolen property. I knew their location, make, model, licences plate number, names, description and best of all, their destination.

I went back to the party and told everyone I saw that I was getting the tap back. Most people didn't really believe me. Sure enough 7 minutes later the cops called me back and told me they apprehended the subjects and have recovered the stolen tap. Then they asked me if I wanted to press charges. Well, it wasn't my tap and I didn't live there so I said that I didn't want to. I am pretty sure being pulled over by the cops for stealing a tap was good enough to teach those punks not to steal another tap. The cops said they would bring the tap back.

About 15 minutes later, people were really doubting that I was going to get the tap back. But then a squad car pulled down the street and stopped in front of the house. Everyone stopped and nervously looked at the cop car. I walked out into the street and talked to the cops for a minute. She gave me back the tap and I turned around and thrust the tap into the air. Everyone erupts in cheers. The cop thinks that they were cheering her and flashes her lights, but they were really cheering for me. I walked back to the lawn over the roar of the cheers, and girls flock me. I got kisses and drinks and high fives. I publicly declare myself king of 419 Benjamin. By now people are chanting my name as the crowd parts I walk up to the keg and retap it. I am glowing as the girls who live there say I can come back any time and drink as much as I want. Dudes are asking me how I did it. Someone throws around the term Party MVP. I was the coolest person there and I basked in it for the rest of the party.

I think that for my Harriet the Spy-esq actions the cops should look past that littering violation that they gave us on Saturday.

Sometimes we do cool things

Yesterday we were sitting on the porch talking about drinking and someone mentioned playing Edward 40 Hands, a classic college drinking game. But we decided that you could make it much more coleslawesome if instead of Edward 40 Hands you played Edward 7 Cans. The premise is basically the same but instead of taping 2 40's to your hands you tape 7 cans of beer to your hands.

Of course while playing Edward 7 Cans we watched the back half of Gettysburg. In the past 4 days I have not come home and Gettysburg wasn't on. Sometimes we watch it multiple times in one day. It's 4 1/2 hours.

Gettysburg + Edward 7 Cans = Bliss

News

The bad news:
I've been bested by the City of Ann Arbor again. For me to get a chicken permit, my landlord, and every one of my neighbor landlords would have to ok it. Also, all of my neighbor landlords would have to sign a waiver to build it within 40 feet of their houses. Also, the coop would have to be 10 feet from the property lines. I am greatly upset.

The good news:
With my employment put to a vote, the verdict was 3-2 to not fire me. When I first started driving buses one of my trainers said he would be surprised if I lasted 2 weeks. Well, I've made it 2 years. But they are actively looking for a reason to fire me. So that's the good news.

I Rule at Fantasy Football

Ever since 2001 I have done a fantasy football league with my Friends from high school. I am a perennial favorite to win the championship. In the 7 years we have done it I have finished in the top two six times. I have only outright won it once though. I even recovered after wasting a first round pick on Tiki Barber 2 years ago. We even have a sweet trophy that the winner each year gets.

In recent years we have switched over to a keeper league in which I dominate. We keep five players from last years team. My team was so stacked that I had to give up Calvin Johnson and Antonio Gates. Also, since I finished first last year I had to draft last in the draft. I wasn't sure who to keep with my 5th keeper. It was between Romo and Calvin Johnson. I knew if I gave up Romo that I wouldn't get him back but I thought there was a chance that I could get Calvin back. As it turns the guy with the pick before me had to choose between Calvin and Chad Johnson, and went with Calvin. I still think Chad Johnson is a good consolation pick.

Here is my draft results. On the right is the round and overall pick and on the left is the average Yahoo draft pick. The first 5 are keepers so there average Yahoo draft pick doesn't matter to me.

1. (8) Adrian Peterson
2. (16) Terrell Owens
3. (24) Andre Johnson
4. (32) Jamal Lewis
5. (40) Tony Romo
6. (48) Chad Johnson (31.3)
7. (56) Darren McFadden (53.2)
8. (64) San Diego (62.8)
9. (72) Fred Taylor (102.2)
10. (80) Javon Walker (102.5)
11. (88) Vernon Davis (72.1)
12. (96) Jay Cutler (96.4)
13. (104) Patrick Crayton (105.3)
14. (112) Rashard Mendenhall (110.2)
15. (120) Seattle (127.8)
16. (128) Tony Scheffler (123.3)
17. (136) Robbie Gould (133.4)

For the most part I was getting players after their average draft pick which means that I was picking up the good talent after they should have been on the board. Like I got Chad Johnson 17 picks after he normally went. It appears that I did overvalue Fred Taylor by about 20 picks. I guess with Maurice Jones-Drew getting all the hype people have been wary to draft an aging injury prone Taylor. The way I see it though is that my 4th back is a pro-bowler who will get the bulk of the carries between the 20 yard lines. Plus in the last 4 games of the 2007 season he averaged 7.7 yards per carry. I really don't know why I thought so much of Javon Walker. I weighed the idea of the premier receiver in Oakland over the fact that the 20th overall pick in the 2002 draft wanted to return his signing bonus and retire. Overall though I think I had one of the better drafts in the league.

I think that Seattle defense will be unexpectedly good and San Deigo even without Merriman will still be tough. I love to draft young talent like McFadden. While I expect total domination, I do have to deal with the team that has Brady, Moss, Brian Westbrook, Marshawn Lynch, Larry Johnson and Calvin Johnson.

On a side note, I don't know which is harder to believe, Chad Johnson saying he could beat Michael Phelps at swimming or Lou Holtz predicting Notre Dame winning 11 games this year.

Chicken Names

Although I don't yet have any chickens yet, I have already thought of names for them. Here we go;

Elwood Blues
Garth Algar
Francis ("Frank") "Ponch" Poncherello
Bonesaw McGraw

I will decide which is which based on their personalities. Relating to TMNT:

Elwood - Leonardo
Garth - Michelangelo
Ponch - Donatello
Bonesaw - Raphael

Elwood is going to be my favorite.

I know I need more Chickens if I want to get Jake Blues, Wayne Campbell and John Baker.

Doesn't taste half bad

When I was a kid my dad held the firm belief that you could put anything into Mac and Cheese. We had it all, and most of it was pretty good. I remember eating Mac and Cheese with all sorts of things in it including, peas, hot dogs, green pepper, ranch dip, onion, coleslaw, and summer sausage, just to name a few. I distinctly remember one time having Mac and Cheese with a can of baked beans mixed in. I don't have any explanation to why that couldn't have been just a side dish (also, not so good). Once as a kid I combined my two favorite foods, Oreo's and mustard. It was then that I found out that two good things don't necessarily combine to form something better.

One of the nice things about being in Chicago this summer is that I can cook in a kitchen that isn't in the Box house. I thought that I would be making great dinners. My cubiclemate always tells me about the dinners he made the previous night; Beef Enchiladas, Chicken Parmigiana, Beef Wellington. I tell him what I ate for dinner: Spaghetti with Prego, Michelinas, Cereal. He says that I just eat college food, and he is probably right.

One of my main staples is grilled cheese. I might eat between 6-8 grilled cheese's a week. Mostly, I love sprucing up my grilled cheese with whatever is in the fridge. You know what I have found? Every sauce tastes good on a grilled cheese. Some variations I have tried include, Tabasco, mustard (sans Oreo), ketchup, BBQ, onion dip, other cheese, pogs, Russian dressing, horseradish and a few others. They were all delicious. I would suggest next time you sit down to cook up a cheeser, you grab whatever sauce or salad dressing you have in the fridge and slop it on.

Happy Cheesing!

Why? Because I Can.

Last week Ann Arbor's new Backyard Chicken Ordinance went into effect. It allows me to raise up to 4 hens behind the box house. Things I still have to do:

*Get neighbors permission. Basically, getting drunk with Chirs Orr.
*Apply for the $20 permit
*Build the Cooper Howell Honorary Chicken Coop
*Buy chickens

Then I can do all the cool things that come along with raising chickens, like eating a homemade chicken tender omelet.

I would be feeling better right now if...

... last night I hadn't done any one of the following.

• Eaten $9 of KFC for dinner
  
• Gorged myself at an open bar from 6-9
  
• Bought a 40 of Mickeys from another bar
• Met up with my cousin who bought me shots
• Entered into a hundred dollar contest to see who could pick up a girl
  
• Getting so drunk that my cousin had to get me a cab home
• Getting kicked out of said cab for being too drunk
• Immediately puking after getting out of aforementioned cab
• Passing out the wrong way on my bed with all of my clothes on

I would prefer to wallow all day, but there is a keg of Oberon waiting for me on a roof.

Brian Almost Gets Arrested

With only a few weeks left in Chicago this summer I am trying to cram in all the stuff I want to do. On Tuesday night I went with one of the other interns down to the Sox-Tigers game at Comiskey. The ride down was interesting because the train was half filled with Cubs fans going home after the day game and the other half filled with Sox fans going to the night game. We scalped two tickets and were pleasantly surprised that there were a large number of Tigers fans at the game. The game was close throughout and the Sox fought back to take it to extra innings. Even in extras, after every inning people would leave because it was a Tuesday night. We never even considered leaving. The game ended when Nick Swisher hit a 2 run homer in the bottom of the 14th. It would have been nice to see a Tigers win though. Since the game went 5 hours, I didn't get home until 1:30, but I would easily do it again.

Then yesterday (Wednesday) one of the interns, Ryan, who kinda looks like Steve Holt (STEVE HOLT!), invited us up to Evanston to go to an open bar at Northwestern. I headed up a bit earlier because I wanted to check out the campus. Northwestern is located right on lake Michigan with the city of Evanston to the west. As with most of the college towns that I've been to I expected that the road between the campus and the town would be full of bookstores, restaurants and bars. Much like Grand River at MSU or University Ave in Gainesville. But instead there were just houses running all the way up the street. But something about the houses wasn't quite right. There weren't any red solo cups on the lawns or couches on the porches. There were however children's toys on the lawns and the elderly on the porches. Immediately surrounding Northwestern is an actual neighborhood. I was looking for the slums of the student ghetto. The campus itself is very nice but I with only 8,000 undergrads it really feels small for a Big Ten university.

I got to the bar a few minutes before 8 and was the very first customer of the day. Soon after the other interns showed up and then Ryan came with some girls. I couldn't believe it, I was at an open bar near a college campus and the place was empty. There were nine of us, and maybe about 5 other people in the bar. I realize it's a weeknight in the summer, but I bet if even if our worst bar (Touchdowns) had a $15 open bar it would be packed. The CO2 canister blew so the bar was only serving well drinks, this was a guaranteed one way ticket to drunktown. Once it got down to 40 minutes until the open bar ended, it became a race to drink as much as possible. I was slamming G n' T's with one of the girls, Liz, and convincing a random stranger to pay $1 so the jukebox would play Miley Cryus.

While at the bar we decided to go to the beach on the campus, after being told stories of Ryan hiding from the cops after sneaking in late one night. We grabbed some towels from one of the girls places and started walking towards the beach. By this time I was drunk, and I needed to pee. I slowed down and walked behind a bush and did what I had to do. Just as I was tucking in and zipping up I noticed a light shining on me from behind. The voice holding the flashlight said "What do you think your doing?"
I replied "Don't worry about it."
This is probably the worst thing to say to a cop. Well, I take that back. I think the time I told one of Ann Arbor's finest to "Fuck Off" was worse. Once I realized that my balls were in a salad shooter, I immediately apologized and started talking to him. Turns out he has been working for Northwestern for about a year and is planning on going to the police academy in the fall. My long standing belief that the best way to deal with the law is to be polite and cooperative paid off because he said he wasn't going to write me a ticket. I walked up the street with him and up to our group who all thought I was fucked. Instead I introduced him to everyone and we talked to him for a bit. He noticed our towel and said "If your going to the beach I'm not going to follow you, but if you get caught I can't help you." Which was pretty cool for the guy who just caught me going pee pee in public. I forgot to mention that the entire time I had a Miller Lite in my pocket.

You didn't think that was me almost getting arrested did you?

So we jumped the fence and snuck onto the beach. Once down to the beach, Liz took me by the hand and told me to come in with her. I threw off my shirt and shorts and we ran into the water. We raced to a buoy about 40 meters away from shore. It was there, shoulder deep in the warm water of lake Michigan and underneath the summer stars, that I had the most romantic kiss of my life. Soon after everyone else was in the water and hanging out. Not too long after that we saw the spotlight of a cop car from the parking lot. I ran up the beach, got my things and took off south. My exit route had been blocked by another cop who shined his light at me. As a immediate response I dropped to the ground. All this did was get me soaking wet. I then crawled into a large patch of bushy grasses. I was 21 years old and still running from the cops like I was 17.



I was in a pretty good spot but I could hear the cops saying that if I give up now I won't be arrested. They were searching the area and one of the cops came within 20 feet of me. I heard on the radio that they had apprehended 4 people already I decided to stay put because they only way they would find me is if they brought out a dog or a helicopter. Then I heard a dog barking and a cop say "go get em boy". I guess the dog got on the scent of one of the other kids because it didn't come near me. I waited about an hour and a half and then low-crawled to the parking lot. Everyone else made it out, and the one who got caught only got warnings. By this time the train had stopped running for the night and we were still sandy and wet. I didn't make it home until 3:30 and then had to shower before I went to bed. I came into work an hour and a half late and missed my first meeting of the day. The good news is that we have plans to go back up next Wednesday.

Some thoughts

Still on the subjects of office poops, I would recommend reading this post on some dude's blog. Also printed without permission is a great example of the support of the office poop that has been flooding in. I will post for sheer hilarity factor.

I routinely take 2-3 dumps a day totaling around 30 minutes. We only have one toilet (guys/girls separate) which is shared between our office and two other companies in the building, so around 20 guys. Having one toilet is a blessing and a curse...a double-edged sword if you will. On one hand, you get the freedom of being as loud as you want. Grunting, laughing, cheering, etc. is completely okay because there is no one in the stall next to you to judge. However, on the other hand, timing and responsibility is an issue. Not only is your dump delayed if someone is already in there, but you are subject to the ramifications of your shit. For example, if you clog the toilet, only the person who last used the toilet can be blamed. Or if there is a huge skid mark or rancid smell, again, you are to blame and everyone knows it. To each his own I guess.

Tomorrow I am flying to Atlanta and then going to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a week. Expect limited blogging, unless the epic happens.

Anyhow,

Everyday I ride the El to work. In the morning it is fine because I do the crossword which keeps me busy. Side note: Chicago Tribune xword is teh sux0r, LA Times is ze uber 1337. But on the way home I have nothing to do, so I have developed a habit that I preform every day. When I get on the train I immediately rank every female on the train. Then I look at the hot ones through the glare in the windows. I am pretty sure everyone does this. I know this because I have made eye contact with people looking at me through the glare in the windows.

Eye contact is one thing that I don't really understand how it works. How do humans know that someone is looking directly into their eyes and not gazing past them? Everyone knows when someone is looking at them. It is the same question I have about how gravity works. How does one body know another body is in it's presence, and how does gravity exert force on another object? Maybe those aren't really that similar but it bothers me that I don't understand how either fundamentally works.

The problem is that making eye contact always makes things awkward. That was one of the motivations for buying sunglasses, so I can scope out smokin' hotties without them knowing. But sometimes people still can make eye contact with me through my sunglasses. Just today I was across standing across from a girl that was ranked number 2 on the entire train. We instantly made eye contact and then for the entire train ride it was weird. We were only 3 feet from each other and we were both actively not looking at each other, which is always obvious no matter how hard you try to act natural. Then that coy game starts with each one glancing to see if the other is looking at them, but all that does is alert the other that you were glancing at them. It's all terribly pithy.

So then I have to come up with something to occupy my mind so I don't look at her. I asked myself a hypothetical. Today it was, would you rather start a Rush cover band or a Air Supply cover band. But the catch was that if you started a Rush cover band you couldn't play Tom Sawyer, and if you started the Air Supply cover band you couldn't play All Out Of Love. I successfully argued against myself that while Canadian, Rush had a string of hits that would provide better material over the long run that Air Supply even given the fact that you would rarely get laid in a Rush cover band. (My hypothetical cover bands are all about the music, not about the chicks.)

I know, I probably should have just started talking to her. But after not talking to her after we first made eye contact, there would be no way I could have started a conversation after that. Plus I don't like making dumb small talk, epically when everyone else on the train is able to hear my lame pick up game. Maybe I could have told her that she was the second hottest girl on the train. Of course that would have been hard because we both had headphones on.