The Best of Crime Notes

I have long been a fan of the Michigan Daily's summation of crimes reported to DPS. I have complied a top 10 list of some of the funniest crime notes I have read in my tenure.

10. Door stolen from Markley room - 9/22/04
The Department of Public Safety reports that a door was stolen from a room in Mary Markley Residence Hall yesterday at 2:30 a.m. The doorless room, 2123 Frost House, is in a men’s hallway. DPS has no suspects.

9. Man punched in head while boxing - 3/12/02
A man was struck in the head while boxing at the Central Campus Recreation Building Sunday afternoon, according to Department of Public Safety reports. He was not unconscious, although his speech was incoherent. He was transported to the University
Hospital's Emergency Room by Huron Valley Ambulance.

8. Mysterious liquid reported to DPS, found to be water - 3/18/05
A custodian at the Electrical Engineering building reported to DPS yesterday that there was some type of liquid coming from underneath a door. The spill was later investigated by the Occupational Safety and Environmental Health Department and identified as water.

7. Worker reports ripped pants - 11/1/04
An employee training at Michigan Stadium early Saturday morning called DPS to report that he accidentally ripped his pants while working.

6. Scrolls stolen, porn accessed at School of Ed. - 12/1/04
A caller reported to DPS on Monday that two Chinese scrolls were stolen from the School of Education and a computer was accessed to download pornography there.

5. Omelet stolen from University hospital - 11/07/05
Hospital security reported the larceny of an omelet at the University Hospital on Saturday around 11:15 a.m. The suspect was allegedly a patient in the psych ward that is currently under investigation, according to the Department of Public Safety

4. Girl slapped by stranger under West Hall arch - 9/23/05
A caller reported a man running up behind her and slapping her while she was walking under the West Hall arch yesterday late in the afternoon, the Department of Public Safety reported. She said the 28-year-old man was a stranger. DPS classified the man as highly intoxicated. The subject was arrested and then released until his warrant was authorized. The offense is a misdemeanor and could result in two years in prison.


3. Motorist punched in face by pedestrian - 3/23/05
A man reported to the Ann Arbor Police Department that he was punched in the face by a pedestrian while he was sitting in his car at a crosswalk on Monday afternoon.
The 30-year-old man said he was heading eastbound on Hill Street at about 4 p.m. when he stopped at a crosswalk at East University Avenue. The driver said a man crossing the street pointed at his front tire and said something. When the driver rolled down his window, the man walked over and punched the driver in the face.

2. Sexual remark appears on RA's board - 10/2/06

A sexual remark appeared on a female resident adviser's dry-erase board in Bursley Hall Saturday night, the Department of Public Safety reported. The remark read "My dick feels like corn." Police have no suspects.

1. Unknown person leaves feces in Bursley dorm room - 2/7/05
A caller reported to the Department of Public Safety that an unknown person had left a bowel movement in a Bursley Hall dorm room. The caller said the incident occurred while he and his roommate were asleep.

Earlobes

Here are some frequently asked questions I have received:

Brian do you have a thing against attached earlobes?
Yes, I have a strong distaste for attached earlobes. They are vile and disgust me. I could never be with someone who had attached earlobes.

But what are attached earlobes?
It's a genetic mutation of you genes, it means your like an X-Men but your superpower is that your earlobes are attached to your head. Like someone is trying to steal them.

Do I have attached earlobes?
Here is a quiz, which type of earlobes do you have:



If your earlobes look like the ones in picture A, you can continue living a normal happy life. If yours look like those in picture B, well good luck buddy.

But now I'm all butthurt that I look like a Muppet, will I ever be happy or find true love?
You can always *unattach* them.

But Brian don't you have attached earlobes?
Yeah, but that doesn't preclude me from disliking them. Just because your fat that doesn't mean you like fat people over non fattys. And plus I don't have to look at them, you do.

Who has the most attached earlobes ever?
Ross.

Why is all of this relevant?
When I was at the Lloyd Carr retirement press conference yesterday (I went for the bagels and stayed for the glazed donuts) I noticed that Lloyd Carr has detached earlobes.

Media Whoring

Again our tailgate has managed to make its way into mass media. Watch it below, it's ok to LOL.



Too bad they cut the part where I got hit by a car.

Who Comes up with this Stuff?

I was scanning through my spam emails today to see if I missed anything when I saw one email that caught my eye. The subject was "all jokes aside, yeah you do got a tiny cock". Intrigued by this I clicked the email to find that it was sent by Rudolph C. Hardy and its destination was Guadalupe H. Love. I guess that Rudolph and Guadalupe were joking about this, but then Rudolph got serious, because "all jokes aside, yeah you do got a tiny cock".


Do people ever really click on these?

Brian Sets A World Record

Our Internet was down last night and I had time to realize how worthless computers are without the Internet. I had to play minesweeper for 4 hours. The good news is that I set a new world record on beginner at 4 seconds. It was pretty sweet. Below is an AAR (after action report) of my success.
Click 1: Hit the 5, shows nothing but I know that throwing a 5 spot is rock solid. I start to think this could be the big game I've been waiting for, but then I remember that there is no time to think, only to click.

Click 2: I know the 5 is taking up most of the mines. So I go top right to open the map, it works. This could be the big break I was waiting for.

Click 3: Once I see click 2 I immediately know that there is only 1 mine unaccounted for. It's go time. Third click is magnificent. Perfectly placed and reveals exactly what I wanted to see.

Click 4: I know that all the mines are accounted for and I can click anywhere in the upper left and win. Because that what I am, a winner.

Go head, try to beat me. I'd be surprised if you could get a game in under 10 seconds. Your weak and pathetic.

I'd Play that Game.

I was walking through Pierpont Commons yesterday when it hit me that Pierpont Commons would make an awesome Counter Strike map. It has everything a good CS map should it could be a hostage rescue or a demolition. The CS team would start in like Panda Express and the Terrorists would start on the landing between the first and second floors, the one near the entrance to the Dude. Two of the hostages would be placed in the downstairs computing labs and two of the hostages would be inside of UGo's. The CS team would then have to 3 avenues of approach to the hostages. They could either fight through the main hallway (pictured below), the basement with the computer labs, or the offices on the second floor (assuming they connect to the cafeteria up there, I'm not sure).

Imagine the carnage!

I can just imagine a firefight on the main hallway, the CS team moving up from the bookstore to the travel agency, the terrorists hiding behind tables and trash cans huckin' frag nades. I'm not sure whether they would be allowed to go outside, but my first inclination is no. Also I would add a ladder by Beansters to get up to the second floor making the map more fair for the CS team.

Brian Sells Out

It used to be all about the blogging man, you've changed.

That's right I am a corporate sellout. I signed up for Google AdSense today, which means that in a few days I will have ads on my blog that can be clicked and in turn I will get paid by Google. So how much money do I expect to make? Probably none. I would guess that at about 20 people regularly read my blog. If 1 of them clicks an Ad each month maybe by after a year I'll be able to buy a 40 of Colt45. Sounds pretty sweet right? No, it just another example of the corporate man grabbing me by the balls. Since the daily already ran a newspaper article about how we sold out, so I might as well just sell out over the Internet too.

P.S. I can't tell you to click the ad's but if I make enough money I can turn the thermostat up to 67.

Brian Challanges Himself

After reading on Dlowe's blog about a bet that he couldn't name 38 of 43 presidents I decided to try for myself. I was able to get 40 out of 43. I regret to inform James Buchanan (#15), Ulysses S. Grant (#18) and James Garfield (#20) that I have forgotten you. Perhaps if Buchanan hadn't been such a shitty president I would have remembered him. Same goes to you Garfield, maybe if you had lasted more than 6 months in office you would have made the cut (Harrison I'll always remember you though, it was too soon). I don't know what to say about Grant. I probably could have remembered you, you reconstructionist two terming son of a bitch.

I am pleased to say that I got all of the 20th century presidents correct in order. Props to my boy Calvin Coolidge.

What do we get for 7 dollars?

All the legal advice you want.

I have used student legal services (SLS for us regulars) multiple times and have come away more than pleased both times. I'm sure every Michigan student has at least heard of Douglas "The Cowboy" Lewis (Pictured Below). That man got me out of 2 noise violations and saved even more money for my roommate.
I also had to go in to SLS last week because apparently our landlord is not a big fan of the BOX letter's and the Campus Corner sign. We got a notice from our landlord on Monday, that we had until Wednesday to remove the signs or they would dispose of them. Well, the fine people at SLS looked through our contract and made some calls, before telling us that we had no legal avenue to keep the box sign up. So Al and I went down to our landlord and busted some heads until they agreed to allow us to keep the Box sign if we remove the Campus Corner Sign. I count it as a victory for us, SLS, Box and America.

By the way, I don't think people use SLS to the full extent that they should. I'm going to have them write me a will, file some patents I've been thinking about, do the paperwork to change my name to Pizzapussysanta and a whole bunch of other stuff. Maybe I will get them to write a disclaimer for my Blog. It's legal advice and its free! Make way, I got people to sue.