That's what we in the blogohole call a hook. What? He got gay? With a Dude? I kinda always knew. No I didn't really get gay, but I got close to gay. And what is gay? Gay is the 39th Annual Chicago Gay Pride Parade. I went for the lesbians, and I stayed for the drag queens on unicycles. Also, it turns out there is a big difference between porno lesbians and real life lesbians. Who knew?
I was really fun and pretty cool and best of all is that it is only 2 blocks from my house. I had mentally braced for it, but was still a little in awe. I took some pictures that I will share with you. You shouldn't be reading my blog at work anyways.
Like any good parade, it is important to start off with a tranny in the back of a hummer
Whatever this is... I hope the guy in the blue gets his hi-five
For some reason this guy wasn't a big hit
Of course the ROTC showed up. That's the Ridiculously Outrageous Twirling Corps, naturally.
I had a gay old time. On the way back home I was walking down the side street to my house, when someone yelled my name from across the street. Sure enough it was the Knapps and Elizibeth. It's not often that I randomly see my college friends hanging out a half block from my house. They said the only reason they noticed me was because I was wearing a Michigan shirt. Imagine that, if it wasn't for my shirt choice I would have probably walked right by them. The only word I could use to describe it was bizarre. Because that's what it was.
My little scratch off hobby has grown into a full blown addiction. I know this because everyday after - and sometimes before - lunch I go to 7-11 and play the instant game. Any winnings get immediately re-invested. That might not make me an addict, but I'm pretty sure anytime your using the ATM in the 7-11 to get out cash for lotto tickets it means your on the edge. Your overboard when you start playing the 20$ ticket. I'm overboard. This is what the drawer in my cubicle looks like. Underneath the 60$ of lotto tickets, Pop Rocks, take-out menu's and Ramen are some 5.25 inch floppy's labeled "1985". But today I won 25$. It was on a 20$ ticket mind you, so I only really won 5$. But when she handed me 25$ it felt like 25$. So I decided to keep the cash and blow it all on eBay.
I got the polarized Oakley Fives 2.0 that I wanted. I Then decided that I needed some more Americana. So I bought some American flags. I already have an amazing 10 foot Stars and Bars, that is in my room right now. So it was time for the novelty flags. I choose these two.
and The question lingering is which one I should put up in my cubicle. It's too bad I only have room for one. I'm thinking truck. Then I can wear the eagle flag as a cape.
These two babies should be here before the 4th. Unfortunately I won't be able to fly them on the 4th, because I'll be doing something much more American. I will be traveling one tenth of the way across America in a bus.
Today at work my phone started to buzz. I contained an event: "Xanadu DVD Re-Release!" I don't remember entering an event in my phone about it, but would anyone else know my secret love of Xanadu, the story of a Greek muse, Clio, who descends from Mt. Olympus to Venice Beach, California in 1980 on a quest to inspire a struggling artist, Sonny, to achieve the greatest creation of his life - a roller disco. But, when Clio, disguised as an Australian roller girl named Kira, falls into forbidden love with the mortal Sonny, her jealous sisters take advantage of the situation, and Clio risks eternal banishment to the underworld.
Also who else would know that the DVD would be re-released on DVD June 24, 2008. And that the "Magical Music Edition" will feature a "Going Back to Xanadu" featurette and the film's theatrical trailer. But what I really want is the bonus music CD with the complete soundtrack that will also be included.
Well, I know what I'm doing this weekend. Thank you Olivia Newton-John, thank you.
I have a fear of taking poops in public restrooms. I have never been a big fan. Actually until last month I had only ever taken 3 poops in public toilets. Once in 9th grade in order to get out of running during gym. There was no toilet paper and the toilet overflowed, needless to say it was miserable. Then one more time junior year, before a pep assembly, that otherwise would have resulted in my death. It was possibly the foulest thing that has ever occurred. Then there was this one time last summer that I wrote a blog post about but never published. Here it is:
Normally I don't like to poop away from home base. But some dire circumstances resulted me in taking a level 6 Power Dump in the basement of the Union. The last 2 poops that I took in a public bathroom were once during my Junior year of high school right before a pep rally that left me so dehydrated that I almost passed out. And once freshmen year during gym to get out of running. But my life choices Saturday of 3 Coney Dogs from Mr. Greeks, and a fifth of Cisco finally caught up to me Sunday at 3pm.
I do work in the basement of the Union because I can get free refills of cola while I work, there are a few computers down there. Halfway into my operations modeling homework the hammer fell. I didn't want to give up so easily, and thought it would just go away. It turns out my band aid solution was a complete failure. Plus I knew that our bathroom at home only had paper towel, which is a weak substitute for TP. It cleans up the mess, but it burns. I ended up penguin walking to the bathroom and barely making it to the handicapped stall. From there it all went to hell. I was playing this homeless dude in battle shits turd for turd. He would fart, I would blow ass. Due to a faulty sensor, every time I would move the toilet would flush, which probably needed to be done anyways. I went into that stall a boy and came out a man. Plus the look of the admiring homeless man made me feel quasi-gay quasi-hero. It was an experience that will not be soon forgotten.
Perhaps I should explain why I don't like pooping in public. It's not the cleanliness of the bathroom that's the problem, its the judging. I always fear like everyone is thinking "Ohh, there's that kid taking a shit again." Like if it is really smelly people will judge you. Or usually you have to pee before you can start pooping, and the pee is always audible. What if people think you just in there peeing sitting down. They can see your shoes you know. Also, when I poop I tend to start the show with a fart. Actually, I have this problem with peeing, sometimes you just need a fart to get things moving. There is something awkward about ripping one in front of people, even in a bathroom. I always start to laugh, which is a weird thing to do while taking a poop or pee in public. So maybe I am just self conscious about it, but what the hell do I know I'm just in the middle of a poop war.
My roommate Pete has absolutely no problem with this. One time he made me stop in a KFC in Portage to poop, and he didn't even buy anything. Once at McDonald's he took a poop while waiting for his food. A McDonald's? Really? He holds off until he gets to north campus to poop. But maybe that's because the state of toilets at our house.
But thing have begun to change. I am overcoming my fear, through the magical discovery of the office poop. I was first tipped off of it's presence by my friend Paul, in an email from last summer.
I’ve scheduled all my poops so that they occur during work time. It’s fantastic.
So now that I have started work and realized that when Peter Gibbons said "I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work" he was actually right. So I needed a way to fill the other 39 hours. That is done by office poops. It's like a free break. I am really coming into my own in the genre, and I even sometimes bring in my Ipod or crossword. Usually after I finish I issue a field report to Evan on GChat, he is teaching me some of the finer aspects of the office poop. But hopefully this will help me overcome my fear of public dumps in general. It reminds me of a passage in a book I was reading a bit ago.
On the way out, as I stopped to use the bathroom, I found Extramask standing there, twirling an unwashed lock of hair in his fingers. "Are you waiting for the toilet?" I asked. "Sort of," he replied nervously. "Go ahead." I gave him a quizzical look. "Can I tell you something?" he asked. "Sure." "I have a lot of trouble peeing beside guys in urinals. When there's another guy standing there, I can't fucking pee. Even if I'm peeing already and a guy walks up, I stop. And then I just stand there all nervous and shit." "No one's judging you." "Yeah," he said. "I remember about a year ago, a guy and I were trying to piss in these urinals that were right next to each other, but we both just ended up standing there. We stood there for around two minutes, recognizing each other's pee-shyness, until I zipped up and went to another bathroom." He paused. "The guy never thanked me for changing bathrooms that day." As I left the bathroom, he was still standing there. "I always liked urinal dividers," he said. "But you only seem to find them at the classy places."
By the end of the book, he has learned to pee next to other dudes.
I even have some friends who every June partake in a gentleman's game of office poops. In the game you count your poops incurred at work during the month. There is no prize, and it is done on the honor system. So it just shows that there is a group of people in this crazy mixed up world that does not reject the office poop, but rather warmly embrace their ability to dump while at work.
I like to test my willpower from time to time. Once in High School I stopped eating Meat for a year just to see if I could do it. It kinda started when I wanted to know what it would be like to be Hindu, so I tried not eating meat for a week. When It was over, I had not eaten meat for a year. It also pissed off my mom, which is always a plus when your in High School.
So as another challenge, last summer I decided to give up listening to one of my favorite bands. I had been listening to Brand New since the first time I heard them on a cold Thursday morning, at the stop light at Hickory Grove and Woodward in February of 2005. (It was on the Avondale High School radio station) After 2 and a half years I was still listening to them, and decided to stop. I deleted the songs from my computer and Ipod and basically just lived life.
11 months later I decided that I had proven to myself that I could do it. So I just re-downloaded all of the albums After 11 months off I came back with all the swagger of the day after Lent. Back on the Ipod, on repeat. I'm pretty sure that if I had to, I could give up smoking, or meth, but probably not beer.
I don't know why I didn't tell you this, but the next game after I got kicked out of The Fish, they changed the seating rules. Now you can no longer booze/watch the game from behind the right field fence, you have to pay for a standing room ticket and they have event staff back there. That's because of me.
In older related news you are no longer permitted to purchase 5 gallon jugs of water from the Hydration Station during Michigan Games. That decision was made right after this happened.
Tucker Max one commented that a girl "wasn't old enough to have seen all the episodes of Sienfeld". I have seen all the episodes of Seinfeld. Do you know how old I was during the shows run? Between the ages of 2 and 11. Is it that ridiculous to expect someone of my generation to have watched Seinfeld? No. Almost everyone I know has seen most episodes of a show that we were never old enough to watch in the first place.
The amount of extraneous information I have to know about TV, sports, music, world events and movies is almost overwhelming. I know who Lloyd Dobbler is. I can catch a reference about keeping heads in your Milwaukee refrigerator. I have an opinion about whether Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar or David Lee Roth. I could tell you that Clarence Thomas once came under fire for making a comment about a pube being on a can of Coke in front of Anita Hill. I know who Clarance Thomas is. I also know that Tanya Harding's ex-husband busted up Nancy Carrigan's knee. I don't need to know any of this.
The sheer quantity of things that make up pop culture is ever increasing. In the 1970's TV's had only a couple of channels. Today, I get 300 channels. Talk about increasing my pop culture influx. Just to stay current I have to record tv shows just to watch them later. This past year it was necessary for me to watch South Park, The Office, Family Gup, The Real World, Flight of the Conchords, The Simpsons, Rock of Love II, Scrubs and every major sporting event in America. The amount of pop culture I have to know just to watch Family Guy is huge. I was one year old when Open Up and Say Ahh was released and who would of guessed that 20 years later I would find myself watching the lead singer of Poison find love on VH1. I doubt my parents ever thought I would know who Bret Michaels is. I'm not even sure if they knew who Bret Michaels was when he was famous.
Just the categories of media that qualify as pop culture is growing. If my friends found out that I didn't know who Jenna Jameson was, I would be openly mocked. Auroa Snow, Devon, Tera Patrick, Jesse Jane. I can now name over 20 NASCAR drivers. I can name 5 anchors on MSNBC, a network that didn't exist 15 years ago. My head could explode at any second.
But the biggest growth of pop culture comes from the internet. YouTube has changed the scene of pop culture. Slate.com wrote in an article
"If you haven't seen Saturday Night Live's Chronicles of Narnia rap, then you don't have any friends. Or at least any friends with Internet access."
Viral Video's have flooded the internet and are required texts for any conversation. This is where I shine. It is my pride and joy. Some people can name every REO Speedwagon album or all of the last decade's NCAA final four teams. Hell, some people have watched every Marky Mark movie (me). I though, am a champion of the internet. If there is anything funny on the internet I know about it. I have seen every viral video, read every internet comic strip, done CollegeHumor, seen every shock site, watched the most disgusting of disgusting videos*. I've been to parts of the internet most people don't even know about. If there is something on the internet I probably know about it.** If you want to know how you compare, watch the video for the new Weezer song Pork and Beans.
If you get every reference in that you can move on to the more challenging material:
In my parents generation the music that they listened to was the music of that era. No college kid in 1971 listened to records from 1934. But you'd be crazy to think that college kids today don't listen to albums from 1971 (Sticky Fingers, Who's Next, What's Going On, Masters of Reality and -oh yeah- Led Zeppelin IV). Just as kids in the 80's listen to Led Zeppelin, kids in 20 years will still probably listen to Led Zeppelin. I am almost positive that my kids will discuss Star Wars in much the same way Dante and Randal do (I really hope my kids are more Randal than Dante).
So what does this mean for the future?
I feel like at some point pop culture from the 60's and 70's will be forgotten, and I'm sure most of it has. But when will people stop listening to the Beatles? Never? Will my children's generation watch Old School like we watch Blazing Saddles? Will they watch Blazing Saddles? Will anyone know who the Beastie Boys are 30 years from now? Will any of the viral videos that I watch today still matter in 5 years? Has Numa Numa, one of the first viral videos already been forgotten? When will "More Cowbell" drop from our lexicon? Will it be around after SNL is canceled (insert joke about me thinking it already was canceled).
There is a lot of pressure on kids today to know the pop culture of the past. But there is only so much you can take in. Watching The Breakfast Club and Mighty Ducks take time. You can't fake an affinity for Bob Marley. The 1987 AFC Championship game between the Cleveland Browns and the Denver Broncos. Were all not Chuck Klosterman. I might have to come to grips that the first album I ever owned, BNL - Stunt might be as relevant in the future as Steely Dan is today.
I was raised on the internet. I've spent the past 3 years consuming it. What happens when no one remembers who LeeRoy Jenkins is? I guess I've wasted alot of my time. And boom goes the dynamite.
* Five most disgusting video's of all time: 5) Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma 4) Church of Fudge 3) 2 Girls one Cup 2) Pain Olympics 1) Swap.avi You can thank me for not embedding them.
** This might be one of the funnier comments ever posted in the internet:
I know you were kidding but this is actually a very good idea. I suffer from a condition called hyperhydrosis which basically means my sweat glands are like leaky faucets. I am 28 years old but I wear adult diapers (Depends™) so that the back of my pants doesn't have a streak of wetness down them. At first this was all I used them for -- to cover up the stain of my butt sweat -- but over time I learned to enjoy wearing diapers for the other benefits they confer. I can pee in public. I can be speaking to somebody and I can literally pee my pants, and nobody has to know but me. There are very few things quite as stimulating as unloading my bladder into soft cottony absorbent material and letting my penis swim around in urine for a while before everything is absorbed. Yesterday I was talking to a woman I have a crush on and I peed myself, and it was the most erotic thing that ever happened to me. I tried pooping in them once but it was a horrible mess to clean up and it smelled bad :(
Being a working man really cuts away at the blog time. And my sleeping time. But I built a computer alarm clock using visual basic to play "working 9 to 5" every morning at 6:45. I just added a feature to have it play "Proud to be an American" every hour on the hour, but I find it makes my dreams very interesting. Also, my roommate has over 1000 DVD's which keep me pretty occupied. But I was the subject of a blog by Big Nasty. Also I would recommend checking out the new and improved Wolverine Access. Before this Wolverine Access was the only website that was less visually appealing than Craigslist. And also one of the only websites that had hours.
2 Days ago I got on a crowded train on the Red Line. I decided that if I couldn't get a seat, I might as well annoy the fuck out of these people. So I took out a packet of Pop Rocks and poured it into my mouth. Then I stood there with my mouth open for the entire ride. I win.
I went home this weekend for my sister's graduation. I had to drive back the car and along the way decided to stop for KFC. In Gary Indiana. The KFC was literally carved out of a truck stop. They had this poster on the wall.
It's hard to read because I took it with my camera phone. But it says on top "Goals to Pass Health + Safety." Then there is a bar graph with drumsticks tracking their progress. If they reach there goal they get a pizza party. On the bottom it reads "We Can Do It". Isn't that refreshing, if the KFC I'm eating at passes their health and safety inspecting they get a pizza party. Does that mean that they aren't passing it right now?
I then spent the next 36 hours gorging food and drinking good beer.
I have zero foresight. I didn't really plan on how I was going to get back to Chicago, because I had to leave the car at home. Part of being in college is living below the poverty line and embracing it. I don't need to buy Ramen and drink Steel Reserve, but I do because I enjoying living like a true undergrad. So I took the Greyhound Bus back to Chicago. Greyhound is trying to remodel their image. It isn't working.
Ann Arbor Bus Depot
Right before we left to drive me to the bus depot a supercell ripped through Bloomfield Hills. I knocked out power and toppled trees. Every road had trees down and the 30 foot pine in our neighbors yard was completely uprooted. I was really pretty scary, there were trees over all of the roads, on cars, and on houses. It reminded my sister of the time when she had her drivers permit and we were on the highway when there was as downpour. All the cars were pulling off to the side of the road and my sister slows down to 50 and my dad goes "DON'T STOP!" and made her speed back up.
As soon as I got to the bus stop I put on my Ipod, and immediately this track came on.
At least my Ipod has a since of humor. The Bus was on time though, and the bus driver was smoking a pipe. I got to see downtown Jackson, and Kalamazoo and spend 15 minutes at a rest area in northern Indiana. I bought a copy of USA Today in Jackson so I could do the crossword on the bus. But I realized that the only pencil I had wasn't sharpened. Yes, I was that guy using the file on a pair of fingernail clippers to sharpen a pencil on a Greyhound bus. By the time I got it to write the sun had gone down, and the interior lights didn't work. So, I spent the entire time thinking of scenarios where the bus driver went down/was arrested, and I had to drive the bus the rest of the way to Chicago. When I finally got to Chicago I had to walk a half mile in the rain to the Brown Line. 20 minutes and one transfer later, I was walking down my street towards my house. The entire trip took 8 hours.
Yesterday I was up in Skokie at the heavy rail shop. It's an hour and a half away, but its not a bad place. When I got home I decided to lay down for a second but fell asleep and didn't wake up till 6am the next day. When I woke up I realized that flat across the street had caught fire AND that I had peed my bed. Only a little, but I guess thats what happens when you sleep for 12 hours. I can't believe that I just admitted that.
Today I was at work for 10 hours but didn't do anything. They haven't assigned us work yet, so we sit around prank call each other and tell lies about Mary, the 85 year old, hunchback in accounts payable. Tonight my roommates and I are going to a bar that is having its anniversary. Free drinks, I think.
Tomorrow I'm going down to the South Shops. That's right the south side, I'll tell Leroy Brown that you were talking shit about him. After work tomorrow the interns are going out drinking at some bar with 2 dollar Blue Moons.
The Polo's that they made us were today are terrible. There gayer than Mr. Hollands Opus. Hell, they're gayer than this: That was by an apartment I looked at. I decided it wasn't for me.
I started my internship today. I sat in a conference room for 4 hours this morning doing absolutely nothing. But the other 4 interns I am working with all seem really cool, and it looks like I'm going to be doing actual work not intern work. They also gave us polo's with the CTA logo on it. They wouldn't be so bad but above that it has "Internship Program" embroidered. We were told that we have to wear them on Wednesday.
Speaking of what to wear, which of these should you show up with on your first day of work? A) Cargo Pants B) Not tucked in shirt C) Muttenchops
Believe me I saw them all.
But now I am at least making money. Well most of my income goes to the 600$ rent I am paying in Ann Arbor and the 700$ I am paying in Chicago. But I should have some left over, and because saving money is for chumps I have some stuff I want to buy. In order:
1) Polarized Oakley's Fives 2.0 Crystal Black. I had a pair and then left them in Naples, FL. They are great sunglasses and I want another pair, but Oakley doesn't make them anymore. I need them now because there are so many hot girls out here in Chicago that I can't help but stare.
2) Office chair. I had a leather executive chair in my room in Benjamin, and for the first half of last year. I had found it by a dumpster behind fletcher hall on a hot day in June of 2006. Unfortunately, I had an accident and it broke, but the chair part is still in our living room. Now at school I sit in a wooden chair, which also breaking. This would be a great thing to buy in Chicago because I don't have a chair, so any time I want to use my computer I have to slide my bed over to the table my computer is on.
3) AR-15 assault rifle.
I bet your wonder about my rationale for wanting to purchase an assault rifle. It's more about the fact that I CAN purchase an assault rifle. So why wouldn't I get one? I don't really need an assault rifle for home protection, or shooting animals. But if your going to protect your home, or shoot anything it might as well be with a semi-automatic, lightweight, 5.56 mm caliber, air-cooled, gas-operated, magazine-fed rifle. But I doubt I would even buy rounds for it. I just want to sit on my porch in a rocking chair with a tall glass of lemonade and clean my assault rifle. Isn't that what every freedom loving American wants?
I have another reason, which is one that is easy to object to, because it seems so unlikely. But, I think that it is possible that the USA might fight a war on American soil within my lifetime. In the past 232 years there have been 3 major conflicts on American soil. In that same span Switzerland was occupied and fought upon three times (Second War of Villmergen, Second War of the Coalition, Swiss Rebellion ). Countries like Germany and France have also seen their fair share of occupations. So what I am saying is that most of the 1st world countries still fight wars on their own soil. But it is still very unlikely that any country will attack America while we are the only global super power. That doesn't mean that other countries wouldn't like to. I get the feeling that there are a few countries that don't like us all that much. And one day I'm not sure that we will be the only super power. So I think that while unlikely, it is still possible that within my lifetime our country might be invaded. So why should I purchase an assault rifle? Because if that ever does happen I going to go Swayze in Red Dawn all over everybody's ass. I can't remember the exact quote but a Japanese general made a remark about the possibility of a mainland US invasion that was along the lines of "If we attack, every American will be waiting in the grass with a gun" or something like that. I guess I want an assault rifle because I am a product of the cold war, and to impress chicks.
Plus I think I might have an actual use for an assault rifle that I will explain in a more thought out, less rambling post. That post won't be for a bit thought.
After living out of the trunk of my car for the past 5 days, I have finally moved into a place for the summer. It is the second story of a 3 flat in the heart of Wrigleyville. Big Nasty named it the Polk house because I once referred to it as the dark horse candidate for living arrangements, much like James K. Polk's 1844 candidacy for the presidency. I am living with 2 dudes who are in there twenties, and are cool guys. To give you an idea of how awesome the location is consider this map:I live at the green arrow.
1: Wrigley Field. I can see it from my place and can hear the roar of the crowd. I can also see the W or L flag for wins and losses. 570 feet. That's less than 2 football fields.
2: Addison Red Line Station. The el is literally at the end of the street. This is important because I work downtown and that's where it goes. 415 feet.
3: 7-11. This is where you buy slurpees. 530 feet.
4: Nearest bar. It's the Harrey Carey Tavern. I'm guessing its a Cubs bar. 350 feet. Actually every bar here is a cubs bar.
5: Liquor Store. Conveniently placed between the El and my house. I get to pass every day coming home from work. Even better it's on the way to work. 400 feet.
6: Bars. The nearest bar to my house in Ann Arbor is 2350 feet. Within half that range in Chicago there are 20+ bars. They are marked with red dots.
The other good news is that my furniture has been donated to me by the benevolent Nasty and Tobais. To bad I still don't have a dresser or a chair. I am going with the opium den style ala Fritz highly successful 2006-2007 "Bring Girls Home to the Mattress on the Floor" Campaign. But my room does have 1 piece of decoration, a 10 foot American Flag.
Also parking around here sucks, and I am glad that I won't have my car here for the rest of the summer. But today I managed to parallel park my car into a space with 6 inches behind me and 4 in front. That means the space was only 10 inches bigger than my car and I didn't tap the car in front or behind. I was really proud of my accomplishment and I let people know by letting out a "Whoo-Hoo, I still got it" in the middle of the street. I don't really have to parallel park often, because I don't own a car, but after driving a bus for all of these years I have watched tons of people fail and learned from their mistakes.
Like any good parade, it is important to start off with a tranny in the back of a hummer
Whatever this is... I hope the guy in the blue gets his hi-five
For some reason this guy wasn't a big hit
Of course the ROTC showed up. That's the Ridiculously Outrageous Twirling Corps, naturally.
