Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.

What a perfect title for a post. After I got everyone thinking I've gone emo with my past two posts I decided to drop some Randal Graves on everybody's asses. I was only sad faced because everyone would be switching onto Daylight Savings Time and I would no longer be special. So perk up bitches, and welcome to the world of extra daylight!

So tonight's post will not be about how awesome DST is. It will be about how if the world gives you no friends you go out and hire a friend.

I was the first University of Michigan grad that our organization had ever hired. Soon after coming on board (employer pun) I looked around and saw a bunch of ohio state shit and was disgusted. I decided that I needed backup and realized I needed another U of M grad. So I went back to Michigan, found one that had strong legs and good pad level and hired the shit out him.

Quickly our appreciation for being smarter than everyone else became apparent. You see, most days people would go around and ask if anyone wanted to grab lunch at one of the local food joints down the road. It was always a crapshoot if people had brought their lunches or not, and there was no way to determine if people were going out on any given day. So we decided to develop a quick and simple way to know whether we would pack a lunch or go out to eat. But the trick was that we wanted to keep it varied and not always go out on the same days every week. We came up with the Prime Number Eating Schedule (PNES). Everyday which is a prime number we go out to eat.

It ends up breaking down really well.

Days 1-10: 4

Days 11-20: 4

Days 21-31: 3

It is possible to get the unlucky week where the 24th is a Monday, but there is only one of those weeks between now and September 2012. I double checked that with one of those idiot savants who memorize calendars. For the most part it's a pretty good system, because I can look at my watch and know whether or not to pack a lunch, and I know that my someone else is doing the same thing. That's the Michigan Difference.

One person who still cares about me

When the world has me down and wondering where all my friends have gone, I can always look back to one friend who has been there no matter what. A friend who shows up at just the right time and stayed only as long as he was needed. I'm talking about my childhood imaginary friend Farty.

My older sister had a imaginary friend named Emilyemmus. Her and Emilyemmus always had great stories of adventures and fun times. I too wanted to share in the pleasure of imaginary friendom but lacked the imagination to create a real imaginary friend. Emilyemmus was just a projection of my older sister into imaginary form. My friend had to be better, and since he was only a means to and end, I decided that he would just be Farty. Today scholars still debate whether Farty was actually made out of farts or not. I'd like to think he was.

Farty had a knack for showing up just when I needed him. If I didn't want to sit next to someone at the movie theater those would always be the shows that Farty decided to tag along to. Sometimes Farty would join for dinner just in time for Grandma Sunshine to sit on him. This was a considerable offense as Farty didn't like being sat on. Usually an instance of Farty would only last minutes or until blame could be shifted onto Farty's crazy antics.

Farty was mostly a joke much like the acting career of The Rock. He lived on well past the normal age of most imaginary friends, which can be mainly attributed to the fact that he was so much fun to be around. While he hasn't appeared in a long time, I think Farty has lived on in the hearts of those who loved him, and those whom he loved.

Proof that less people care about me

This is a graph of how many people write me birthday messages on my Facebook Wall.

During my peak college years I was getting about 45 birthday wall posts a year. Just a few short years later I'm down to receiving 7. Even the breakdown of the 7 was a little depressing. 6 from my family and one from a guy at work. And one of those 7 was a very suspicious post from an Aunt followed immediately by a post from her husbands account. I know the only reason her husband even has a Facebook is so she can go and play more Farmville on it.

I'd like to chalk this up to people using Facebook less to wish people happy birthday, but they didn't make up for it with 38 texts or calls. It's just another data point of the trend of me having less friends than I did in 2009.

But here is some interesting analysis.

This chart adds in the number of blog posts that I write in a year to compare with the number of birthday FB wall posts. 2011 is projected. Maybe there is some correlation between blogging and people caring about me. Perhaps if I blog more this year, I'll have more birthday well-wishers next year. Hell, it's worth a try.

Milestones in a Man's Life

Today marks a big anniversary. March 5th, 1996 was the first day I ever wore boxer shorts. It is now the crystal anniversary of my total testicular freedom. It's crazy to think back on those first 9 years of briefs. In fact, those undergarments seem to accurately fit my fleeting memories of those times - brief. It was an era of great change. It was a time of Mad Cow, Bob Dole, and 1996's song of the year Kiss From A Rose. I was 9 years old and it was time to become a man and start wearing some manly underwear and let the boys breathe a bit. I found the freedom quite refreshing, and to celebrate 15 years of modern skivvies I went out and bought a $25 pair of boxers because I'm worth it.

But there is also the other anniversary. March 5th, 1987. A glorious day that saw the world be forever brightened by the presence of the author of this blog. I remember it vividly -the bright lights, the doctors, and looking like a burn victim because I was born 3 weeks late. I'll never forget my own birth. It was a time of fascination. The Edmonton Oilers were in the middle of a dynasty, Wall Street was on the big screen, and people were being Borked. To celebrate 24 of years of making the world a richer place to live I went out and purchased a handgun.

I bought a gun for three major reasons 1) to kill zombies, 2) to impress chicks, 3) to scare children.

Zombie defense is pretty much self-explanatory but to briefly explain: the thing I wish for most in this world is for a zombie apocalypse so I can see if I can survive that challenge. If my wish were to come true only for me to be woefully unequipped to live in the world I so desperately want to exist in, I would feel foolish and defeated. That's also why I bought this. It will probably never happen, but neither will using it for "home defense".

The second reason is to impress chicks. I don't know why a girl would be impressed by a gun, in fact it seems rather odd. But I've impressed chicks by having a blog and a Campus Corner card.

The final reason is to scare small children. When I was a kid there was a rumor that one guys who lived in a house down the block had a shotgun. Whenever we would cut through his yard we would do so running at full speed and usually in a zig-zag pattern. We all thought he would shoot us for trespassing. That's the type of impression that even the rumor of a gun has on children.

Becoming a gun owner and getting a fresh pair of trouser-shorts seems like a fitting way to celebrate March 5th, 2011. Here's to my new Beretta 92 FS and designer underwear.

The bigger they are the harder they fall

Last weekend was President's Day, and being the history buff that I indubitably am, I decided to take a trip to visit the location of the first executive residence of the President of the United States - New York City. Here's a juicy trivia tidbit: Presidents Day is technically designated as "Washington’s Birthday" in section 6103(a) of title 5 of the United States Code, so the correct term for the holiday is Washington's Birthday. So there you go.

Anywhoo, I went to New York City for the long weekend, it was my first return since I was in middle school. Between a 5 hour flight and the 3 hour time difference, it was already like my entire Friday was spent getting there. But since it was NYC, I figured I'd have to dig down deep and find some energy. I was staying with my sister in SoHo and using her apartment as a base of operations. The weather was amazingly in the 60's the first day so we walked around and grabbed some Thai food for dinner. After a pre-funk we went out to the bar to meet up with some friends. It turns out everyone who we met up with was a fan of the blog (I'm huge in New York). This was great because we could converse on how awesome the blog used to be, but it wasn't so great when every time I would try to tell a cool story people would say "yeah I read that story on your blog". But we persevered on to bigger and better bars.

In New York many bars stay open until 4AM. Some even stay open until 6AM I hear. I wasn't about to go all the way to NYC and not take advantage of a gift like that. We stayed out until 4AM, which was really awesome at the time. I think that someone should still come around at 2AM and remind everyone that nothing good is going to be accomplished in the next two hours and they are all fools for still being around. I mean if you can't close a deal with a girl by 2AM what makes you think that another hour is going to do much? But so is life, and I helped close down the bar at 4AM.

As you may have guessed, I still got up at 7:30 to spend all day vanning and museuming. Ha! That was a gullibility test. Because I didn't arise until 2 the next afternoon. At that time NYC had become a windy cold weather vixen from the planet Miserablapious. My sister and I braved the elements to go to a Carnegie Deli and get our Ruben on followed by being cold around Times Square. We then went down to The Village to watch an inspiring Michigan Basketball win. I still felt like a hot ball of garbage but I manned up to drink a few brewdoggers during the game.

After the game I decided that I should travel across the river to magical Hoboken, New Jersey. I got some dinner with an old Michigan friend and some other people from Hoboken. Oddly one girls there said she had once met me at Rick's when she was visiting Ann Arbor one time - I had no recollection of it, but then again, it was at Rick's. We had a marvelous night in Hoboken and it turns out one of my friends out there had went online and became an ordained minister. He has marriage certificates at his house and is totally legit (minus the online part). He absolved me of all my sins right there at the bar. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

I came away pretty impressed with Hoboken, although I didn't really know what I was expecting. Lot's of well-maintained and classy row-houses and bars and restaurants. It has a really high population density and does so without the need for tall buildings.

Sunday I grabbed a slice of NY style pizza pie and then went shopping with my sister. What's a trip to New York without a shopping spree - amiright ladies? I then went up to the upper east side for dinner with a friend at a really classy Italian place. Monday, the sister and I went down to Chinatown for lunch. You would be amazed at how many designer bags fall off the back of trucks right around Chinatown. The food there was really good though, and we split three entrées between the two of us and it was still less than $10 a person. Pretty good for Manhattan. Then I got on my flight and headed back to the great Pacific Northwest to continue my life with a newfound revere for the Big Apple.

Some notes:

• In the 4 days I was there I probably only saw 2% of the city. I didn't even check out any of the other 4 boroughs.
• Less bums than I expected
• It was much dirtier than I had thought it would be. It was the dirtiest major city I've ever been to. There was litter and trash everywhere and I would walk down the street and taste the dirt in the air.
• Everything happens later in NYC. People get up later, go to eat later, go out later, stay out later and thus get up later. I'm beginning to think that the pace of a city is determined by its bars closing time.
• Not as many pigeons as I expected.
• For such a big city, I was glad to get to see some of the neighborhoods. I had always just taken all of Manhattan as one big built up monstrosity, but each area has a different feel and in some cases unique area. Then again I could only see a handful in my short time.
• I really liked terminal 4 of JFK. I was wowed.
• I was surprisingly intimidated by the people that lived in Manhattan. I think this was because I took them to be more cultured than me. I got that old money vibe a lot.
• The rent there is insane. What you pay vs. what you get is unreal. It makes me glad I live in a small town.
• Overall NYC felt to me as a place I would like to live. I don't think for more than a year or two, but despite its cons, there were lots about the city I really liked. Maybe someday it will happen.

LA Business Trip

As part of my job I'm required to complete a few training classes. They are a mix of online courses and classroom training. The classroom training are week long classes that are offered at various places around the country. The first one I went to was located in Dahlgren, VA. Dahsgren is a bustling community of 997 people with the main attraction being a gas station. That was one of the boring-est weeks of my life. So when I had to take my next class, I saw there was one available in Los Angeles. I jumped on it.

The training itself was a one week rehash of everything I learned in college. I'm an industrial engineer and the class was about production and manufacturing. No one else in the class had a background in the materials so they all thought I was some sort of genius. On the last day we had a closed book exam. Before the exam everyone was talking about how much they studied the night before. I didn't even take the book home and spent the night getting drunk at the bar. I still got 100% on the test.

LA was pretty nice, especially the weather - which was perfect. I was able to secure lodging at the Embassy suites which was right down the road from the training. I more than made use of the complimentary cocktail's during happy hour, and the cooked to order omelette breakfasts. It was considerably nicer than the "hotel" that was on the base in VA.

A quick rundown of my time in LA. I was surprisingly more busy there than I am normally at home.

Sunday - Arrived in LA. I soon realized that the travel office booked my hotel like 2 hours away from the class. After switching to the much closer Embassy Suites I drove over to Manhattan Beach to check it out and then ate In-N-Out.

Monday - Went to class and then drove up to Santa Monica. Got my hair cut at this little one-chair shop and bought a pair of Puma's.

Tuesday - After class I went up to Culver City for burgers and beers with my RA from freshmen year. We had a good catch up. His life makes my life look as boring as Milliard Fillmore's college years.

Wednesday - I went out and bought a new dress shirt. I had packed for the trip hungover and was short a shirt to wear, I then got sushi and a few beers with a girl I met whilst shopping.

Thursday - I watched the Michigan Basketball game over free beers and then went down to Hermosa Beach with an old friend from college. We went out drinking and I got pretty sauced. I had to take a cab home.

Friday - Took the final test and we finished at 10am. I then went to the beach and chilled for a few hours. I ate my final meal of In-N-Out and then went to the airport. I switched to an earlier flight but it had a mechanical problem and we didn't end up leaving until after the flight I was originally supposed to be on left. I finally made it home tired, hungover and smelling of In-N'-Out.

My goal was if I had to spend all day in dumb training, that I would get out and do stuff at night. I did some cool stuff, but a couple of things like getting to the Getty and driving out to Malibu I didn't have enough time or daylight for. Still it was infinitely times better than Dahlgren.

One thing about LA is that driving there is crazy. I remembered this from the last time I was there in 2007, with Mark driving the 10 while he was drunkover. Drivers in LA do things that other places would be suicidal. People accelerate until they are about to hit the car in front of them and then slam on the breaks or swerve into another lane without looking. Motorcycles just ride in between the traffic. No one uses turn signals and u-turns are commonplace everywhere. It's all par for the course. I consider myself a pretty aggressive driver, but I wouldn't hold a candle to some of the people on the 405.

Drunkest Man in America

I went to DC for New Years. After waking up from a tremendous all-you-can-drink on Friday night, we proceeded directly to the bar at noon on Saturday to watch the Gator bowl. Because of the results we decided just keep drinking all day and all night.

Somewhere around hour 9 of 14 and bar number 4 we began wondering if we were any of us were approaching the title of drunkest man in DC. Clearly, one of us held the title of drunkest man in the bar we were at. But there was no way tell if any of us could claim the title of drunkest man in our nation's Capitol.

Human microchip implants are an existing technology. Cell phones with RFID readers exist. I'd wager that in 40 or 50 years microchips will be widely used in conjunction with cell phones for people to monitor their blood sugar, temp and other body statistics such as BAC. This could be very helpful for people that want to know if they are legal to drive a vehicle or need an insulin shot.

So it stands to reason that it could be possible to create a phone app that compares the BAC for a large number of people and output over what geographic area you are the drunkest man. I'm pretty sure there have been a few times that I've contended for DMIA. I've at least broached the top-100, and definitely have been the drunkest man in Ann Arbor. But until the future catches up, I'll have no way to know for sure.