Milestones in a Man's Life

Today marks a big anniversary. March 5th, 1996 was the first day I ever wore boxer shorts. It is now the crystal anniversary of my total testicular freedom. It's crazy to think back on those first 9 years of briefs. In fact, those undergarments seem to accurately fit my fleeting memories of those times - brief. It was an era of great change. It was a time of Mad Cow, Bob Dole, and 1996's song of the year Kiss From A Rose. I was 9 years old and it was time to become a man and start wearing some manly underwear and let the boys breathe a bit. I found the freedom quite refreshing, and to celebrate 15 years of modern skivvies I went out and bought a $25 pair of boxers because I'm worth it.

But there is also the other anniversary. March 5th, 1987. A glorious day that saw the world be forever brightened by the presence of the author of this blog. I remember it vividly -the bright lights, the doctors, and looking like a burn victim because I was born 3 weeks late. I'll never forget my own birth. It was a time of fascination. The Edmonton Oilers were in the middle of a dynasty, Wall Street was on the big screen, and people were being Borked. To celebrate 24 of years of making the world a richer place to live I went out and purchased a handgun.

I bought a gun for three major reasons 1) to kill zombies, 2) to impress chicks, 3) to scare children.

Zombie defense is pretty much self-explanatory but to briefly explain: the thing I wish for most in this world is for a zombie apocalypse so I can see if I can survive that challenge. If my wish were to come true only for me to be woefully unequipped to live in the world I so desperately want to exist in, I would feel foolish and defeated. That's also why I bought this. It will probably never happen, but neither will using it for "home defense".

The second reason is to impress chicks. I don't know why a girl would be impressed by a gun, in fact it seems rather odd. But I've impressed chicks by having a blog and a Campus Corner card.

The final reason is to scare small children. When I was a kid there was a rumor that one guys who lived in a house down the block had a shotgun. Whenever we would cut through his yard we would do so running at full speed and usually in a zig-zag pattern. We all thought he would shoot us for trespassing. That's the type of impression that even the rumor of a gun has on children.

Becoming a gun owner and getting a fresh pair of trouser-shorts seems like a fitting way to celebrate March 5th, 2011. Here's to my new Beretta 92 FS and designer underwear.

Today is the first day of the rest of the next 12 weeks of my life

I started my internship today. I sat in a conference room for 4 hours this morning doing absolutely nothing. But the other 4 interns I am working with all seem really cool, and it looks like I'm going to be doing actual work not intern work. They also gave us polo's with the CTA logo on it. They wouldn't be so bad but above that it has "Internship Program" embroidered. We were told that we have to wear them on Wednesday.

Speaking of what to wear, which of these should you show up with on your first day of work?
A) Cargo Pants
B) Not tucked in shirt
C) Muttenchops

Believe me I saw them all.

But now I am at least making money. Well most of my income goes to the 600$ rent I am paying in Ann Arbor and the 700$ I am paying in Chicago. But I should have some left over, and because saving money is for chumps I have some stuff I want to buy. In order:

1) Polarized Oakley's Fives 2.0 Crystal Black.
I had a pair and then left them in Naples, FL. They are great sunglasses and I want another pair, but Oakley doesn't make them anymore. I need them now because there are so many hot girls out here in Chicago that I can't help but stare.

2) Office chair.

I had a leather executive chair in my room in Benjamin, and for the first half of last year. I had found it by a dumpster behind fletcher hall on a hot day in June of 2006. Unfortunately, I had an accident and it broke, but the chair part is still in our living room. Now at school I sit in a wooden chair, which also breaking. This would be a great thing to buy in Chicago because I don't have a chair, so any time I want to use my computer I have to slide my bed over to the table my computer is on.

3) AR-15 assault rifle.

I bet your wonder about my rationale for wanting to purchase an assault rifle. It's more about the fact that I CAN purchase an assault rifle. So why wouldn't I get one? I don't really need an assault rifle for home protection, or shooting animals. But if your going to protect your home, or shoot anything it might as well be with a semi-automatic, lightweight, 5.56 mm caliber, air-cooled, gas-operated, magazine-fed rifle. But I doubt I would even buy rounds for it. I just want to sit on my porch in a rocking chair with a tall glass of lemonade and clean my assault rifle. Isn't that what every freedom loving American wants?

I have another reason, which is one that is easy to object to, because it seems so unlikely. But, I think that it is possible that the USA might fight a war on American soil within my lifetime. In the past 232 years there have been 3 major conflicts on American soil. In that same span Switzerland was occupied and fought upon three times (Second War of Villmergen, Second War of the Coalition, Swiss Rebellion ). Countries like Germany and France have also seen their fair share of occupations. So what I am saying is that most of the 1st world countries still fight wars on their own soil. But it is still very unlikely that any country will attack America while we are the only global super power. That doesn't mean that other countries wouldn't like to. I get the feeling that there are a few countries that don't like us all that much. And one day I'm not sure that we will be the only super power. So I think that while unlikely, it is still possible that within my lifetime our country might be invaded. So why should I purchase an assault rifle? Because if that ever does happen I going to go Swayze in Red Dawn all over everybody's ass. I can't remember the exact quote but a Japanese general made a remark about the possibility of a mainland US invasion that was along the lines of "If we attack, every American will be waiting in the grass with a gun" or something like that. I guess I want an assault rifle because I am a product of the cold war, and to impress chicks.

Plus I think I might have an actual use for an assault rifle that I will explain in a more thought out, less rambling post. That post won't be for a bit thought.