Milestones in a Man's Life

Today marks a big anniversary. March 5th, 1996 was the first day I ever wore boxer shorts. It is now the crystal anniversary of my total testicular freedom. It's crazy to think back on those first 9 years of briefs. In fact, those undergarments seem to accurately fit my fleeting memories of those times - brief. It was an era of great change. It was a time of Mad Cow, Bob Dole, and 1996's song of the year Kiss From A Rose. I was 9 years old and it was time to become a man and start wearing some manly underwear and let the boys breathe a bit. I found the freedom quite refreshing, and to celebrate 15 years of modern skivvies I went out and bought a $25 pair of boxers because I'm worth it.

But there is also the other anniversary. March 5th, 1987. A glorious day that saw the world be forever brightened by the presence of the author of this blog. I remember it vividly -the bright lights, the doctors, and looking like a burn victim because I was born 3 weeks late. I'll never forget my own birth. It was a time of fascination. The Edmonton Oilers were in the middle of a dynasty, Wall Street was on the big screen, and people were being Borked. To celebrate 24 of years of making the world a richer place to live I went out and purchased a handgun.

I bought a gun for three major reasons 1) to kill zombies, 2) to impress chicks, 3) to scare children.

Zombie defense is pretty much self-explanatory but to briefly explain: the thing I wish for most in this world is for a zombie apocalypse so I can see if I can survive that challenge. If my wish were to come true only for me to be woefully unequipped to live in the world I so desperately want to exist in, I would feel foolish and defeated. That's also why I bought this. It will probably never happen, but neither will using it for "home defense".

The second reason is to impress chicks. I don't know why a girl would be impressed by a gun, in fact it seems rather odd. But I've impressed chicks by having a blog and a Campus Corner card.

The final reason is to scare small children. When I was a kid there was a rumor that one guys who lived in a house down the block had a shotgun. Whenever we would cut through his yard we would do so running at full speed and usually in a zig-zag pattern. We all thought he would shoot us for trespassing. That's the type of impression that even the rumor of a gun has on children.

Becoming a gun owner and getting a fresh pair of trouser-shorts seems like a fitting way to celebrate March 5th, 2011. Here's to my new Beretta 92 FS and designer underwear.