I had to go back home this weekend because I had been invited to the wedding of my roommate Paul's older sister Rita. 300 miles each way is nothing as long as there is a open bar involved.
The story starts on Wednesday night in Chicago, when I went out to dinner with my sister, who was in town. Afterward we met some friends at the bar for drinks. Well, a few pitchers turned into a few Jaeger bombs, which in turn became a few buckets of Bud Light which of course led to Rumplemints shots. All in all, I was a little drunk when I went home.
The next day I woke up and went to work. For 16 hours. First I went into the office for the whole day and then "volunteered" to work from 5 to midnight being an information specialist for the Chicago fireworks. I was at Navy Pier which probably had 100,000 people watching the fireworks. I was to give them directions on how to get home. I have only been living here for 5 weeks, and I have no clue where anything is. But I got to watch the fireworks, which were amazing.
The morning of the 4th I woke up, ate a quesadilla, listened to God Bless America and got on the megabus to go back to Detroit. This is a good time for a little lesson on phrasing. I learned the hard way that saying "The dude blew a tranny in front of Dan Ryan" is a little different than saying "The bus driver had a transmission problem near the Dan Ryan expressway". One short delay later we were back on the road.
I decided to spend the Friday night in Ann Arbor before going home on Saturday for the wedding. I got in at about 2:30 and was picked up by a friend who handed me a road beer. This was the start of a afternoon of celebrating America. My roommate Brick, who, by the way, was wearing a child sized "USA" jersey and cutoffs, made an excellent July 4th playlist and we spent the day on State Street playing beer can golf, grilling, lighting fireworks, burning things and drinking heavily. I bought a pint of 151, and used 2/3rd's if it as an accelerant. Drinking the other third led to us playing shirts vs skins fire pong to a repeating "Eye of the Tiger".
It's weird, but the drunker we got, the more we wanted to play with fire and fireworks. I kinda knew how drunk I was when I got hit with a bottle rocket and didn't feel pain.
So, I know what your saying. So far he has gotten drunk, and played with fireworks. But here is when the night gets good. I usually don't like to write about these type of things because it makes me sound sleazy, but what the hell.
Around 10pm my buddy John came over after studying for the MCAT all day. I convinced him to go to the bar with me. We went to the Jug - which was nearly empty - and started doing shots and splitting pitchers. I was in horrible shape from the all afternoon. Then two girls came up to us at the bar and started talking to us. I have no idea what we talked about but luckily John has been able to fill me in.
This is how we started talking to them. First of all...monstrosity comes up to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and asks me if I have a light...in a real disgusting phone whore voice. I say no. Then she says-what about you man...you proceed to empty the entire contents of your pockets and tell her you got nothing. It was obviously just a pick up line. She then asked us what we did. I answered for us...I told her that you run all commerce in Chicago and I work in a lab. She then asked us if we wanted to sit in a booth...we weren't that drunk yet. [I was that drunk -ed]I thought that one was a 5 and the other was maybe a 2, but at that point every girl seemed like a binary 1 to me. John has since told me that my ratings were a little "generous".
They came back asking us where we live. I told her that i lived in bum park and you told her you live in box...i didn't want that slut hunting me down later. After that i have no idea what you talked with tracy or teresea or whatever her name was about. I'm pretty sure you spit some mean game...because i could tell she wanted to fuck you...hard. Monstrosity wanted anything with a dick...even if it was a tranny.
I do remember them telling us that they were going to Pizza House with their two friends, and they pointed over to two guys sitting at a booth. Then one of them said "Don't worry, they're gay". That's when I knew this night was going to be quite blogable. We tell them that we might meet them over there in a bit and we finish our beers. We go over to Pizza house and of course order 22oz beers. John was not nearly as drunk as I was and he had the MCATs the next week. He only agreed to hang around until the food came, he saw this situation for what it's was - getting picked up by two uggo's - and eventually stood up and said "I have to go" and walks out. This lead to the girls having a bathroom pow-wow while I tell the gay dudes all about the Chicago Gay Pride Parade that I had just attended. I guess the girls didn't settle the issue in the bathroom because on the way back to one of the gay guy's apartments I was holding one of the girls hands while I had my arm around the other. The girl who my arm was around kept taking my hand and putting it down her shirt while I whispered in the ear of the other girl. The only thing I could think about was the part in Office Space where Peter asks Lawrence what he would do if he had a million dollars.
We get back to the apartment and one girl is in one bedroom and the other is on the couch. It was like that episode of Boy Meets World where Cory promises to be at his friend Franky's wrestling match and also at Topanga's sweet sixteen. He spends the entire episode running between the two locations. Much like Cory Matthews, I failed to keep the charade going which led to the two girls going into the dude's bedroom and both presenting their sides to the gay friend tribunal. I got no say in the matter. Apparently one girl was game for the threesome, but the other wouldn't do it. There was some crying but eventually they got it sorted out. Unfortunately the girl that won was the monstrosity, and not very skilled. The best dialog came just a few minutes later when I told the one girl that I felt bad for her friend (I think I was still trying to work the threesome) and she responded "Yeah but she's not as horny as I am". Well that settled that I guess. There were three sentences in here that had to be deleted, sorry. But, even as I left at 4 in the morning I woke up the other girl to mess around a bit with her before I left. I walked out of the apartment building a yelled "I am a golden goddess" probably loud enough for them to hear it. I went home and crawled in my closet bed (a mattress in my closet, that is used mainly for when my roommate starts having sex on my real bed and I figure that the closet bed at least has sheets on it).
I woke up 3 hours later confused, hot, dehydrated, and the wondering whether I should have tried to "chili dog" the girl from last night. My parents came to pick me up from Ann Arbor and on the way back my mom of course asked me "Did you see any girls when you came back to Ann Arbor?" I really wanted to respond "Just the two random strangers I met 8 hours ago." But after last week when my dad had to convince my mom that I wasn't gay for going to the Gay Pride Parade I really wanted to keep her worried.
The wedding was nice and the bridal party was huge. 13 bridesmaids and 11 groomsmen. We pre-gamed for the open bar and by the time we got there we got right to business. The Troy Marriott was pretty convinced I was not of age, because I was carded 7 times by 5 employee's at a wedding. After dinner I went across the table and started talking to a 20 year old who went to Miami of Ohio. I started feeding drinks to her and her younger sister. About every 10 minutes I would go up to the bar and order 3 vodka-tonics. Well after about an hour and a half of solid flirting her dad came over and totally cock blocked me from his daughters. Although he didn't seem to mind that I was giving them hard liquor. I guess they had to go home.
About that time one of Paul's hot (read: foreign) cousin's from Germany came over and started talking to us. It turned out she was 16. I did a quick half-your-age-plus-seven and realized that things just weren't going to fly. It was also about this time that the booze kicked in and the dance floor became one of those circles where people clap as others going into the circle and dance. Someone always does the worm (it was the grooms brother) and everyone else just stands around waiting for someone to go into the circle. I wanted to go into the circle. I decided to take the 16 year old German girl into the circle. I also decided to dance with her HARD. It was quite the sight. Afterwards the bride came up to me and goes "Brian what the hell were you doing with my cousin! Shes 16!"
Right before midnight the open bar was about to close, which led to a race to see who could get the most alcohol. Paul set the bar high with 6 straight bourbons, but I tried to two up him by ordering 8 vodka's on the rocks. She said she would only give me five. In my state those extra three wern't really going to make a difference. By this time there are only 8 or so of us left and we danced to Miley Cyrus until the DJ's left, then we went to a bar across the street for the after party. Oddly enough the 16 year old had no trouble drinking in the bar across the street. Then I called my sister and made her drive us home.
Weekend Successful!
Friday Drinks (3 Bed Lights, 2 High Life's, 3 Bacardi 151's, 2 Budweiser's, 2 High Life's, 1 shot at the jug, 4 pint's at the jug, a 22oz at Pizza house) 19 drinks over the course of nearly 12 hours.
Saturday drinks: 1 Mint Julep, 2 Bud Light's, 1 Rum + Coke, 2 Vodkatonics, 1 Hienekin, 2 Bud Light's, 1 Heinekin, 1 bourbon, 1 Heinekin, 2 straight vodkas, one 22oz at Champps) 16 Drinks
