Texts With Strangers Part 4

Tonight wasn't the first, second or even third time I've chatted it up with a random number that has texted me. Read on my followers, read on.


Random: This is Benjamin Franklin who is dis 
Me: This be James K Polk. What's up Benji? 
Random: Hello Mr. Polk. How u do today? U comin to da party at 3427 Hollywood Dr tonite? 
Random: Mr. Polk please elaborate with a response 
Me: What city is that in? 
Random: Uhh Mr. Polk you should no where Hollywood is. It is located in Hollywood, CA near LA 
Me: That's a little far Mr. Franklin. I fear I would be a bit late my good sir.
Random: Really? Where do reside Mr. Polk? Did my colleague Thomas contact you yet?
Me: I reside in the enchanted lands of the pacific northwest. Mister Thomas did not grace me with communication.
Random:  Mr. Thomas said that you claim to be Mr. Dave Strider from the great state of Texas? If that is true, then you have lied to two federal government employees.
Me:  As a fellow civil servant I cannot lie. I am neither the Honorable Dave Strider nor the affable James K Polk. I believe I have been the recipient of some false communication.
Random:  My colleague from Montana (special agent Desharnais) and I have traced your satellite location to Waterford, MI and your listed as Mr. Craig Borowski. Is this correct information sir?
Me:  That's a negative ghostrider. I know not of the gentlemen of which you speak.

Random: Sir, if you happen to be giving false information to special undercover agents of INTERPOL then you are committing a federal offense and we will send a few Feds to your location to sort things out. 

Random: As you lie, we are gathering more information Mr. Craig Borowski was a graduate of U of M, correct?
Me: I cannot attest to the factual accuracy of that information
Random:  Do you know of an individual by the name of skyrimwarrior on xbox live?
Me:  I'm afraid I do not.
Random:  Do you happen to know of an individual who is listed as your son (Nick Borowski)? To inform you, Nick is currently under government surveillance for "stealing copyrighted music" from a well known music downloader that has been recently investigated and taken over.
Me:  Do I happen to know my own son? Regretfully I have not met him. Will he be attending tonight's party?
Random:  Mr. Borowski, the party was a set up to try and get some written information from you. This happens to be Jude Sundquist. Have a nice day.
Me:  Ahh a classic Ruse. Well played my good man! Well played!


I have no idea what just transpired. At first I thought we were going with a urban-historical style but soon found myself using a more regal Victorian tone before finally finishing in some sort of polite interrogation. 

Texts from last night

My buddy Dan downloaded an app that reads his texts messages aloud as he receive them. This lead to me sending him a number of texts in various social settings last night.

As he is in the bathroom on the ferry:
Dan how is your dump going? Is it as stinky as you expected? Love, Frank

While he is taking a pee in some bushes:
Don't pee in the bushes

While talking with some girls at a party:
It's Frank, I left my underwear at your place last night. Love ya.

In front of our buddy's wife who is Beth and our friend Jon:
Isn't Beth hot? From Jon

While on the way to the bar:
I love to eat sausages all day long

While at a bar called the Alibi Room:
I heard about the time you crapped your pants at the Alibi Room.

In front of some hot girls:
I saw your craigslist ad about you looking for a guy to toss salad with. I have a bleached asshole so write me back.

Texts with a stranger Part 2

So my new friend Joel texted me again this morning and a great conversation ensued. Only this time Joel texted me from a different number, which I thought was weird but he explains why. Read on.

Joel: hey it joel again !$exy time!
Me: Hey Joel. I gotta know, did Morgan agree to go out with you?
Joel: Is this morgan or brian !$exy time!
Me: This is Brian
Joel: o sorry brian who !$exy time!
Me: I don't think we know each other. Anyways did you ever get a hold of Morgan?
Me: She sounded like a babe when you called her 'sexy pants'
Joel: ya she said yea so wot ur last name !$exy time!
Me: Why do you want to know my last name? And what's which the new phone number Joel?
Joel: idk cause i want to meet u and this is my friends fone so waz the other 1 !$exy time!
Me: Why do you want to meet me? I already told you that I just see you as a friend.
Joel: ik i'm not gay i jus wana know ur last name come on please !$exy time!
Me: Perhaps sometime in the future once we're better texting buddies. Anyways do you ever get blackout drunk and hit on ugly girls? Because that's what I did last night.
Joel: how old r u !$exy time!
Me: 22. How old are you Joel?
--20 minutes later--
Me: Where did you go? Are you taking a really smelly dump? Because I don't mind if you text while you take a crap. Just as long as you aren't jerking it to my responses.
Joel: wot? !$exy time!

Texts with a stranger

248: Hey morgan it b joel booth how r u
Me: Hi. This isn't Morgan. I think you might have the wrong number
248: O sorry
248: Wot ur name
Me: Brian. Don't worry about the wrong number.
248: Hey do u wanna go out sexy pants
Me: I'm sorry Joel. You seem like a really nice guy but I've always seen you as more of a friend
248: Is this morgan?
Me: No man. It's not Morgan. It's a dude. A dude who doesn't want to go out with you.