The Hardest Challange

I may be over exaggerating a bit because I'm sleep deprived form A) taking a red-eye flight home from Seattle two nights ago and B) going to Detroit last night and not getting home until 4:30am.

But dammit if I didn't accomplish a feat today that was more difficult than any other feat I've ever accomplished. To be honest though, the said feat is of course secondary to the feat where I convinced some nice lady to let me touch one of her boobies. I swear this has happened at least twice so far in my life, and it was awesome.

But back to today's feat of human endurance. Today, I, Brian Russell went 1 whole day without consuming gluten. A proud feat indeed.

It is a feat I've been considering for quite some time. For the past three years I've had a gastro-intestinal tract that at times was uncouth. I had no clue as to the source of this, but I thought that I should try and figure it out. I thought that I would maybe try to reduce my gluten intake since that was pretty much the one constant that featured in every meal I've ever eaten.

About 6 days ago I really made a determined effort to not eat gluten. On average the past 6 days I would last until about 3PM and usually would eat wheat based products 3 times each day. These were days where I was consciously trying to avoid gluten mind you. The worst was the day that I failed at 6AM by eating a sandwich.

After spending like 4 hours trying to think of foods that didn't have gluten and also didn't taste like ass I developed the strategy that I successfully deployed today. First I ate lunch (at 3pm because that's how I roll). I went to Chipotle for a salad. It's one of the few salads that I would order at a food establishment. Then came the hardest part, at 7:30pm it was time for Jeopardy and I needed something to drink. Usually if the food doesn't get me it's the beer and whiskey. But I had planned for this, and had bought the requisite items for a night of Rum & Cokes. Around 11pm it was time for dinner, so I leaned on my fallback option and got a Jimmy John's Bootleggers Club Unwrap. Neither meal was my preferred order, but it was out of sheer determination that I went through with my order. Mission Accomplished.

What's weird about how hard this was for me is that for the last 3 years I've lived with a roommate who was 'glu-tarded' and couldn't have gluten. I've watched him eat for 3 years and still have no idea how he survived. I think if I was diagnosed with gluten intolerance I would just eat gluten until I died because it is so good and delicious and everything I like is made of gluten.

The other thing that surprised me with how hard I found going one day gluten free was is that I once went an entire year without eating meat. I had no problem doing a year avoiding meat products but struggled mightily to spend even one day avoiding wheat products. I think my will power has gone downhill a bit.

Regardless I am a champion. Since I'm convinced that tomorrow I will falter, this probably won't tell me much if my gluten dependent diet is in any way tied to my indigestion problems. But I'm still proud of myself.

Child Obesity on Wikipedia

I feel bad for the girl in this picture. Somewhere someone was looking for a picture of an obese child and spotter her. They thought "yeah, she'll do." Can you imagine going onto Wikipedia and seeing your picture under the article on obesity. That must be pretty hard on a child. I mean it's like a bad joke "look up obesity in the encyclopedia, you'll find a picture of her."

SBD

After my highly successful SB07 and FLASB08 I will again be SBing starting today.

I will be joining 18 other potential drunks on a booze cruise to the Bahamas. It is not going to be safe, and we are cruising at our own risk of falling off the boat.

It is most enjoyable to spend the three nights prior to Spring Break at the bar to get into drinking shape for such a glorious event.

But it is almost as important to look super ripped when you're on the beach trying to impress the cougars. So 5 weeks ago I started my SBD (Spring Break Diet). Now it is well known that the best way to lose weight is through diet and exercise, but exercise takes times and sucks. But on the other hand simply not eating for 5 weeks gives you much more time to do other activities, and saves assloads of money. So I've been starving myself for awhile now, and the results are mediocre. Plus the great thing about this diet, is that you get drunk really easily. And when you're drinking on an empty stomach, it is really easy to get drunk, which means that you spend less money, and don't get all those beer calories.

But I knew that just not eating wasn't the ticket, so I borrowed a lesson from my knowledge of drinking. Everyone knows that when you go out drinking, once you break the seal and pee, you keep having to pee. And from what I have learned from sitting in on Med School lectures is that this is because alcohol is a poison and your body tries to flush it out by diluting itself with water. Which is why you always wake up dehydrated after a night of ripping shots and singing Neil Diamond karaoke. But if you already have a full bladder your body cannot process any more water so it keeps the water in your system. But once you pee your body can process that excess water and it do so rapidly, so that you have to pee again quickly. This is also why some people say that you don't feel the buzz until you've pissed on a hydrangea in an alley.

So if you're body can't process water until it has an empty bladder to store it, is it possible that you're body can't process food until it also has an empty place to store it? I think so. So if your body can't process the food and make it into poo, then it has to store it as rolls of fatty fat fatso. So the other trick to losing weight is to keep your poo storage area empty. Or for the simpleton, shit all the time. Now I wasn't the type of guy who would just take a shit every week, mostly because that takes up time. But once I stopped eating I had much more time to poop, and I made sure I pooped all of the time. Plus, it was nice to visualize my weight loss as I saw more poop exit me than food entered me. Trust me, I am a certified dietitian, and poo expert.

So that is positively the best and safest way to lose 2.3 pound over 5 weeks. Now I have to drive to Flordia. Updates when I get back in a week!