Brian Solves a Crime

Last night started as most Sunday nights should, splitting 20$ worth of Burrito Joint and 20$ worth of booze with my roommate Peter. We were watching college football, Unbreakable, Mario on N64 and of course, Gettysburg.



Around 11 I went over to my buddy Ben's house, where we proceeded to shotgun and chug beers. About midnight we left to go to some girl's birthday party on Benjamin, my old stomping ground.

The party was really good. They had kegs of Miller Lite and the party was full but not packed. You could easily move around or get a beer. I called some of my roommates to have them come over. Right about the time they got there someone threw a tiki torch at the porch. While everyone was looking at the kid who threw the tiki torch, I was looking at a kid in a red shirt and jeans untapping the keg. I figured that the keg was empty and he was going to give it to someone in the house. A few minutes later one of the girls in the house ran out and said that their tap was gone. It was then that that I knew all those years of reading Nancy Drew would pay off.

A minute later I saw the kid walking back to the party from the backyard. I told one of the girls that he was the one who stole the tap. She confronted him and then I went over and told him I saw him take it. He insisted his innocents. I took a play from the Hardy Boys: The Clue of the Hissing Serpent and apologized for accusing them of taking it and then talked to them for a few minutes. They said they were Evans Scholars and I told them that Evans Scholars wouldn't steal a tap, because they were good people. Afterwards, I went to my buddy Ben who said he didn't believe them for a second. I didn't believe them either, they never looked my in the eye and seemed really nervous. I told Ben to keep an eye on them.

Later I went to the porch to get a beer. The two kids saw this as there opportunity to get away and moved towards the back of the house. I told Ben to follow them to where they stashed the tap and I would flank from the left. He came back to me and told me that they got into a car and they were holding the tap. Gotcha Motherfuckers. I watched as they pulled out of the alley and turned up the street. I called the cops and told them that there was an intoxicated driver heading down Hill Street who was in possession of stolen property. I knew their location, make, model, licences plate number, names, description and best of all, their destination.

I went back to the party and told everyone I saw that I was getting the tap back. Most people didn't really believe me. Sure enough 7 minutes later the cops called me back and told me they apprehended the subjects and have recovered the stolen tap. Then they asked me if I wanted to press charges. Well, it wasn't my tap and I didn't live there so I said that I didn't want to. I am pretty sure being pulled over by the cops for stealing a tap was good enough to teach those punks not to steal another tap. The cops said they would bring the tap back.

About 15 minutes later, people were really doubting that I was going to get the tap back. But then a squad car pulled down the street and stopped in front of the house. Everyone stopped and nervously looked at the cop car. I walked out into the street and talked to the cops for a minute. She gave me back the tap and I turned around and thrust the tap into the air. Everyone erupts in cheers. The cop thinks that they were cheering her and flashes her lights, but they were really cheering for me. I walked back to the lawn over the roar of the cheers, and girls flock me. I got kisses and drinks and high fives. I publicly declare myself king of 419 Benjamin. By now people are chanting my name as the crowd parts I walk up to the keg and retap it. I am glowing as the girls who live there say I can come back any time and drink as much as I want. Dudes are asking me how I did it. Someone throws around the term Party MVP. I was the coolest person there and I basked in it for the rest of the party.

I think that for my Harriet the Spy-esq actions the cops should look past that littering violation that they gave us on Saturday.