Phucking Phil

I would hate you so much more if you weren't so awesome.

I hate Phil. Well not really, but I do want to hate him. You see this all started back in the spring of 2007 (like 5 months ago). This summer Ross, Pete and I lived in an apartment in a house across from Campus Corner. There was this girl that lived in the apartment above us that was amazing. We all wanted her. We would try to hang out with her, but she was always at this kid Phil's house. We all assumed that when she was talking about Phil she was referring to her boyfriend. But then we found out that he stopped dating her. He had her and he left her. It became common knowledge about our apartment that this Phil kid was good, perhaps too good. Anyone who got her had to be good, but to stop and then continue to hang out with her, that made him special. Although we weren't sure, we suspected that Phil left her not vice versa. We started to despise this Phil. We would curse Phil when we missed shots in beer pong. It was probably Phil who took that last roll of TP. Phil took Angela Lansburys virginity. Phil was unknowingly possibly cockblocking us, and we hated him for it. And we didn't even know what he looked like.

Then one night after Ross and Pete went home for the summer, I actually got to meet Phucking Phil. I was at her apartment and he was there. With his plaid shorts and his collared shirts and his quips. OHHH ALWAYS WITH THE QUIPS! It's like he always had the perfect thing to say. I guess the conversation never runs dry when you talking with Phucking Phil. I could see why she had fallen for him. Every time I would say something to him, I would think "I'd take pleasure in guttin' you boy". All the girls there wanted him and he knew it.

Then we moved out of that apartment and we would still occasionally see the girl, but then Phil started to show up at parties, and be Phil. Everything is perfect when your named Phil. Ugg, I can't even say the word Phil anymore, it just sounds so wrong. I guess Phil got bored with unknowingly ruining my life and decided to rub it in by running for homecoming king. So when ever I would see her, she could remind me to vote for Phil. That's exactly what I want to talk to you about. Phil. Phil even conned me into voting for him at a party (he has a way with words). Jokes on him though because I didn't even vote. Phil won anyways. Yay Phil! Grrr. That wasn't rain on my cheeks during the homecoming parade. It was my soul.

Phil if your reading this, I really don't hate you, I admire you. But then again you probably don't even know who I am. But I do kind kinda hate you.