A series of unfortunate events

A series of unfortunate events:
1. Go out drinking, and get hamsauced
2. Wake up and don't shower
3. Go to the Police Station to get fingerprints for your job
4. Not have enough change to put into the parking meter
5. Spend all your money on the fingerprints
6. Have a detective think you're plastered drunk
7. Get a parking ticket
8. Go to the bank to get money to pay for the parking ticket
9. En route to the bank make a wrong turn down a one way street, and get pulled over
10. Have the officer realized that you smell like booze
11. Get arrested at 2pm on a Thursday
12. Get fingerprints taken again

Luckily not all of those happened. Around event 10, I thought the officer was surely going to smell my hangover, but instead I got out of the ticket and wasn't arrested, even though I definitely wasn't still drunk. Just goes to show how Peter not having a quarter could have really changed my life for the worse. What a bad friend.

The Top 5 Pranks I Never Pulled off at Michigan

While I wasn't making art in Microsoft Paint, I spent most of the last 4 years coming up with master pranks to pull on the University. I have long forgotten many of them, but there are a few that I should still pull off in my last 6 weeks of college. Here are the top 5.

5.The Horrendous Video Homepage

Plot: Many of the classrooms have a built in computer system that can be operated by anyone without login. The prank involves changing the set homepage to one of the most disgusting shock videos on the interwebs. When one of the professors attempts to access the internet during class everyone vomits on the person in front of them.

Havoc Level: Pretty high for whomever was teaching the class, and all of their students.

Worst Case Consequences if Caught: Infraction of some computer code. Probably a harsh reprimand and written apology. Possible expulsion.


4. Men's Final Four Banner Theft


Plot: Simply put I always wanted to steal the 1992 and 1993 Michigan Men's final four banners that were taken down from Crisler. Maybe this isn't very much of a prank as it is downright theft.

Havoc Level: Low to medium. People would want to know where they are, but would anyone really notice they were missing from the basement of the Bently Historical Library.

Worst Case Consequences if Caught: Charges of B+E along with theft of University Property. Probably not expelled.

3. Michigan Sign Graffiti

Plot: Ever since freshmen year Paul and I were planning on doing a little mock up to the current sign for the "Harry Vaughn School of Public Health". Our plan was to change it to the "Harry Wang School of Pubic Health". It is actually pretty easy and only would take a few changes to the current sign. This one was probably the most feasible.

Havoc Level: Minimal. I really doubt the campus would be up in arms about the hilarious name change.

Worst Case Consequences if Caught: Destruction of University Property. Possible graffiti tickets.

2. Bus System Disruption

Plot: Each bus has a microchip that control the start up processes for the bus. If this microchip were to be removed it would yield the buses totally unusable. Sneaking in to the bus depot late at night and stealing all of these chips would be a very good prank.

Havoc Level: Huge. This would prevent most engineers from getting to north campus, the residents of North Campus wouldn't be able to get to central and would leave a lot of people stranded at bus stops waiting a long time for buses that aren't coming. This would also affect the hospital staff who park in off campus lots. The entire university could come to a screeching halt.

Worst Case Consequences if Caught: Expulsion, as well as multiple counts of destruction of property, Theft and B+E. This would be a very bad prank to pull.

1. Lecture Hall RickRoll

Plot: There are a few lecture halls that inexplicably have a telephone in the front of them. This prank would involve getting into the projection room of a lecture hall and then calling that phone. When the professor answers, you would ask him if is a "stranger to love" and if he knows the rules, cause so do I. Then fade in with a RickRoll on the lecture halls main speakers. Then proceed to put the music video on the screen.

Havoc Level: I imagine most of the class would get the joke and enjoy a unique RickRoll.

Worst Case Consequences if Caught: Infraction of some computer code. Probably a harsh reprimand.

I've just stopped caring

Stereotypes in the media with a focus on Home Improvement

The media plays a large role in creating and reinforcing gender stereotypes. This is evident in almost all forms of media from the news to cartoons. Actually cartoons are especially to blame for stereotypes in the media. In cartoons it is always the ugly character that is credited as the brainiac (think Thelma in Scooby Doo). Cartoons also portray people from the south as dimwitted, and all Asians as knowing kung-fu. The media is great at subtly continuing stereotypes through sheer reinforcement. It always assumes that politicians are evil, you hate your mother-in-law and your wife’s cooking is despicable. It is the joke made in every sitcom since Al Gore invented the television. Even the surprise hero’s are almost a stereotype. It’s always the underdogs from the wrong side of the tracks. Or the character that runs into the supposedly unwholesome character who turns out to be honest and trustworthy, a hooker with a heart of gold so to speak.

These media stereotypes also include gender stereotypes. Every woman has a gay friend; all men hate shopping; guys are dumb, and have dumber friends; your wife is always way hotter than you, at least in the King of Queens, According to Jim, 8 Simple Rules, Everybody Loves Raymond and all those other shows that people watch as they are deciding how to end their life. It is so easy to pick on sitcoms because their entire existence is to play these dumb stereotypes against each other.

Lets take a look at a sitcom that was set in Detroit and starred a guy who was once arrested with a kilo of cocaine and who’s title is a pun; Home Improvement. This show is all built on gender stereotypes. Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor was a macho man who loved to grunt and talk about Binford Tools on his mainly T.V. show. His sidekick, Al, was a guy who despite being a total lamer, was actually a good person but we couldn’t root for him. All we could do was hurl fat mom jokes at him. His wife of course was a smart, loving, caring and questionably hot mom who tried to have a career but whom we lost respect for after she crashed her husband’s classic car even though it brought them closer in the end. Then there were the children. Three rambunctious boys who the mom couldn’t keep under control because they were constantly looking up to their oaf of a dad. Eventually the youngest son went goth, as would anyone who had to follow in the footsteps of Jonathon Taylor Thomas and Zachary Ty Bryant, but we will save that for a different dialog class. Of course the neighbor Wilson was always the voice of reason ala Mr. Feeny. There was even a “Tool Girl” that was played by a budding Pamela Anderson. Her role was to Vienna White the new Binford 6100. The “Tool Girl” just had to be a total babe. There was one episode where - as normal - Tim was making a fool of himself trying to install a new toilet and a female member of his studio audience was brought on stage so he could show her what he was doing, and explain it to a dumb girl. But as it super ironically turned out, she was the one who actually knew how to fix it. This plotline would not have worked if he had brought a man onstage, because all men know how to fix toilets, and all women don’t. Ahh, the classic gender stereotypes, and the humor surrounding role reversals!

Post College Plan 7

In 2 months I will graduate college and become a productive member of the work force.

I know this, because I have accepted a real job. I am moving to Seattle to start working as a civilian for the Navy. I will be working at the Navy's Strategic Weapons Facility. The downside to this job is that I will be far away from Ann Arbor. This means that I might only be able to make it back one weekend next year. On the other hand, this also means that I will have a real job that pays very real money, so I can now drink my PBR out of a bottle.

I think it beats out my other PCP7 which was to make to scale replica's of the Aggrocrag and sell them on Ebay.

Ouch

I drank 184 ounces of beer last night.

That is 1.44 gallons of beer.

I don't even know why.

The Great Shirt Purge

I hope you already familiar with my attempts to improve my shirt situation.

Today the pole that I hang my shirts on broke, again. This is because I have too many shirts, but my previous efforts had proved successful, and my most worn shirts were on the right side of my closet.

I had recently come to the conclusion that the 80/20 rule applies to my apparel selection and usage. 80% of my shirt wearage comes from 20% of my shirts. So that means that I have lots of shirts I don't wear often, so I decided that I would get rid of some of them and give them away or donate them to charity (i.e. leave them in the front yard of the box house). So being an engineer I first had to inventory all of my shirts then eliminate. Here is a breakdown.





Some other points of note. I have 14 University of Michigan shirts, and I am keeping 12 of them. I am also keeping all 8 of my Box shirts. I kept both of my novelty sport jackets, but cut one of my two robes. I kept my jumpsuit and reflective vest, and my Markley Shirt just for Forest. I've also noticed that about 10% of my shirts came from Salvation Army and thrift stores.

So now I have all of my shirts organized within my closet, and I keep all of the empty hangars on the right side. While I was finishing up, I realized that I had done the first 4 of the 5 S's of lean manufacturing, Set In Order, Sort, Shine and Standardize. Now all I need to do is Sustain.

Now my problem is that I have all of these shirts that I don't want. I really don't want to have my Russell Reunion, IOE Bar Crawl and Lahser High School homecoming shirts sitting at Salvo. And I have spent 3 and a half years acquiring some of the best novelty clothes ware, that unfortunately I don't think I will have many more chances to wear. I've spent months badgering sorority girls to give me extra small sorority shirts, I don't want to see them gone. So if you want any of my sweet shirts, I plan on leaving them on the front dirt patch of the Box house in the next few days, anything that is left will go to Salvo or Value World.

SBD

After my highly successful SB07 and FLASB08 I will again be SBing starting today.

I will be joining 18 other potential drunks on a booze cruise to the Bahamas. It is not going to be safe, and we are cruising at our own risk of falling off the boat.

It is most enjoyable to spend the three nights prior to Spring Break at the bar to get into drinking shape for such a glorious event.

But it is almost as important to look super ripped when you're on the beach trying to impress the cougars. So 5 weeks ago I started my SBD (Spring Break Diet). Now it is well known that the best way to lose weight is through diet and exercise, but exercise takes times and sucks. But on the other hand simply not eating for 5 weeks gives you much more time to do other activities, and saves assloads of money. So I've been starving myself for awhile now, and the results are mediocre. Plus the great thing about this diet, is that you get drunk really easily. And when you're drinking on an empty stomach, it is really easy to get drunk, which means that you spend less money, and don't get all those beer calories.

But I knew that just not eating wasn't the ticket, so I borrowed a lesson from my knowledge of drinking. Everyone knows that when you go out drinking, once you break the seal and pee, you keep having to pee. And from what I have learned from sitting in on Med School lectures is that this is because alcohol is a poison and your body tries to flush it out by diluting itself with water. Which is why you always wake up dehydrated after a night of ripping shots and singing Neil Diamond karaoke. But if you already have a full bladder your body cannot process any more water so it keeps the water in your system. But once you pee your body can process that excess water and it do so rapidly, so that you have to pee again quickly. This is also why some people say that you don't feel the buzz until you've pissed on a hydrangea in an alley.

So if you're body can't process water until it has an empty bladder to store it, is it possible that you're body can't process food until it also has an empty place to store it? I think so. So if your body can't process the food and make it into poo, then it has to store it as rolls of fatty fat fatso. So the other trick to losing weight is to keep your poo storage area empty. Or for the simpleton, shit all the time. Now I wasn't the type of guy who would just take a shit every week, mostly because that takes up time. But once I stopped eating I had much more time to poop, and I made sure I pooped all of the time. Plus, it was nice to visualize my weight loss as I saw more poop exit me than food entered me. Trust me, I am a certified dietitian, and poo expert.

So that is positively the best and safest way to lose 2.3 pound over 5 weeks. Now I have to drive to Flordia. Updates when I get back in a week!