Brian writes a letter

I knew this girl who was going away to camp all summer. She wouldn't have telephone or internet so she made me promise to write her. So I came through and wrote her a letter. But not just any letter. I wrote her a love letter. But not just any love letter. I wrote her a Civil War era love letter. I even had Peter write it out in cursive. Here it is in all of its hilarious glory.

It's best when read in the voice of a Civil War movie narrator.

My dearest Kelly,

Pardon the affectionate familiarity but you know its all in joyous fun. Your charming little epistle has just reached me, and I do myself the honor to answer it immediately, thus complying with your request to write soon. I do believe I am indebted to you by way of letter, and for your kindness to me I will write you a few lines.

I have written a good many letters to other girls. Letters of friendship, but those I write to you. I want you to receive them for more than mere friendship. For let me say that your memory is ever dear to me and if we never again meet on Earth I shall ever cherish the fond remembrance of thee, and think of the pleasant hours passed in your society, but let me indulge the hope that we may again meet ere long.

I fondly recall our initial courtship, the gentle breeze in the fairest of Ann Arbor's midsummer and the plesent imbibing of Frederick Miller's High Life. Whilst our time together barely grazed a fortnight, nary a single eve passes without my cogitation meandering back to those most wonderful of times. I dont know how much pleasure it affords you to go over these days of the past, but to me they will ever be remembered as days of felicity. And how happy the thought that days increase the affection & esteem we have for each other to love & be loved.

Yours endearingly,

Brian Russell

Brian Slams Poetry

This morning I was on the bus to North Campus for a class I didn't realize was optional, when I saw an advertisement for a Poetry Slam in the Union that was taking place tonight. Something about the words Poetry Slam just make me laugh. I had to go.

I floated the idea to my roommates over a CIAYCELB (Cottage Inn All You Can Eat Lunch Buffet). They sounded intrigued. The plan was to slam some beers, slam some poetry, and then come home and slam some poetry girls. When I got home at 5 they had already started part one. They were three hours into part 1, and it was 4 hours before the slam. I went to my room to write my words. Writing poetry is hard, especially when words only seem to rhyme with dirty words.

When we got there we were surprised by a $3 cover charge. I actually paid for my roommates to watch me slam. We were there about a half hour early. My roommate Brick was ridiculously intoxicated. People were pointing at him, most likely because he kept pulling a flask out of his pajama pants and doing straight pulls. With the impending doom of him getting kicked out of a poetry slam we sent him home.

Finally my time came. People would hear my song. I got on stage and just let the flow take me over. But I didn't have my poem memorized and I stuttered a lot. But this is what came out.

A Farewell Tour? Hardly

You're just back for a short time
for how long you won't say
Just a ploy to get my dollar
Trick me into falling for you again
I spent so long loving you
But you just left a hickory taste in my mouth

You've done this before
You've toyed with me
You've led me on
I don't care that you said you were a limited time offer
What you did left me hungry
And that hurt the most

I've waited for your smell
I've longed for you taste
Your soft outsides and meaty insides
This time I won't lose you
I'll make the most of our time together
You will always have a place in my stomach

The third and final McRib farewell tour.

I was supposed to say "Respect" and walk off stage, but I was as little to nervous. I don't think anyone quite got how my love of the McRib was like that of a returning ex-girlfriend, most thought it was about rape or something. Needless to say there was no slamming of poetry girls. Whatever, now I've slammed poetry and you can never take that away from me.