The Roomates: The Dirty Sanchez

I lived with Dirty Sanchez my sophomore year. Living with that kid was pretty cool because with the right level of peer pressure he would pretty much do anything. There are only three pictures on facebook of both of us. This is one of them.


It's from FLASBO8 where we were partying in a condo in Naples, FL one night. This was also the same night that I got my ass kicked by a 40 year old milf in a chugging contest.

Sanchez was a pretty great roommate in the filth that we lived in at 510 Benjamin. We would come home from class on turn on Timbaland or The Fray and just rock out. It was 2006, and that what college dudes did back then. Kids today are all about their hipsters and icing and wienie whacking (<-- I promise to explain wienie whacking in a future blog post.) Back in my day all we had was Goth kids and The Fray, and we appreciated it.

The best part about Sanchez was his ability to play video games. No matter what game he played he would dominate. For awhile we were really into playing Halo. We had two TV's and Xbox's so we would have one system in Ross's room and another in the living room and play system link. No matter what the teams were Sanchez would win. We once played everyone against him and he still won. It was ridiculous.

But the game we played more than Halo was Super Smash Bros for N64. We loved that game. Some of the most epic battles in SSB history probably occurred in our sophomore year house. Once, we played a 99 life team match on Hyrule Castle. It took like 2 hours and at the end my eyes had completely dried out. There is one thing Sanchez will probably be pissed about but I'm going to write about anyways because it is too funny not to. When he would play video games he would get so into them that he would break a sweat. But not like a normal sweat. He would be completely covered in sweat. There were times when he wouldn't play video games with us because he didn't want to have to take a shower after he was finished.

One of the lasting memories of our Sophomore year house is day we decided to put a little wager on the a game of Smash Bros. The bet was him vs a team of me and Peter on a standard 8-life game. The terms were that the loser(s) would have to run around the outside of the house completely naked. We stipulated that you couldn't hold your junk either. If I recall correctly I died first leaving just Pete and Sanchez to duke it out. Sanchez was down to his last life with like 60% damage and Pete had a couple of lives. But I really didn't matter because Sanchez was unstoppable one on one. Somehow a miracle ensued and Pete killed him, meaning that he would have to run - balls flapping - around the house. It took some coercing to do but finally he agreed. It just happened that it was the day that our neighbors parents came up to move their daughter home for the summer. And yes, we declined the rematch.

A selected story from South Bend

I'm sitting at O'hare waiting for my flight home from my buddys wedding. To keep from being excessivly bored I figure I'll pound out a blog post. I'm typing this on my broke ass iPhone so... yeah.

The reception had an open bar and they were serving shots. Some open bars don't serve shot to keep people from getting excessively drunk. I got excessively drunk. But it was a celebration, bitches! After the reception ended a few of us went to the bar for a post party. After a couple more shots I realized that I was too inebreated to be at the bar and I decide to walk back to my hotel. The hotel is in the biggest building in South Bend so I kinda knew where I was going.

I don't really know how or under what circumstances I met him but somehow I started talking with a homeless man. We are walking along just having a terrific chat. About life, love and being an out of work welder. As we walk I see a Burger King a few blocks away. I really want some BK but it's like 2 am and only the drive thru is open. Willie says that he can get us some Whoppers. So Willie and I walk up to the drive thru window. Me a 23 white guy in a shirt and tie, Willie a 40 year old black man with a scruffy beard and a raincoat. The manager goes "Willie! What are you doing here?" but she agrees to sell us some food. I tell Willie to order whatever he wants and I would pay for it. We both order a couple whoppers and I pay with a twenty and give the change to Willie. So we continue our walk and our conversation. When we get close to the hotel we had to say our goodbyes and part ways. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure I gave Willie a big hug.

Loc-Nar Trophy Hood Decal

I've been thinking about getting a racing stripe for my Camaro. I had been thinking a double white racing stripe would accent the black paint pretty well. Then tonight, I was watching one of my favorite South Park episodes, Major Boobage, and I had a moment of inspiration. I think I know what I putting on my Camaro.

It appears near the end credits when Kenny is totally cheesing his balls off and is driving his Trans Am to fight in the Breastriary of Nippopolis, and swim in the fountains of Varnov with the itty titty fairies of Mammary Mountain and then fight the boob goblin in the gazongas cave. I don't think anyone else has this on their car. If someone else has this, they would surely put it on the internet and I checked the internet and it isn't there.

The Roomates: Jake

The summer after freshmen year most everyone I knew went home. Back to high school jobs, old friends and their familiar bedrooms. I didn't mind being at home where the food was good and the beer was free once the parents went to bed, but the thought of spending three months in the suburbs doing chores around the house was too banal for me. I decided that I would rather spend my summer in Ann Arbor living in the house that we had leased for the next year. I was already paying rent on it starting in May, so I figured I might as well get some use out of it. I had no idea that I was about to spend the summer living with Jake.

My sophomore house, where I lived with Jake

My 5 future roommates had all gone home for the summer, but three of them had found sublets. There were two girls and Jake, it was a lot like The Real World. One girl was the semi-girlfriend of a roommate, the other girl wore a shirt that read "V is for Vegan" and for that reason I never really talked to her. But Jake, he was the life of that house and my summer. Jake didn't go to Michigan, but went to Washtenaw Community College. He was from the nearby town of Saline, MI which is about 20 minutes south of Ann Arbor. Whether he was around or not, his crew was always at the house. By crew I mean like 8-10 guys that I got to know pretty well that summer. They were mostly kids that I would have never hung out with in High School, who just hung around the house and drank 40's and sold drugs. I also became pretty good friends with a few them, and would occasionally party with them the rest of my college career.

Like I said earlier, most of my friends had gone home for the summer, so I didn't really have too much of a social network. In the spring I was taking 8 credits of math and physics which equals a full semester course load. I was also training to become a bus driver, a job which I would hold for the next three years. But whenever I would come home there would always be guys hanging out. About once a week I would come home and Jake had bought something for the house, sometimes furniture, sometimes something completely random. Whenever I would ask him about it he would always respond "I got it for cheap". Eventually I just stopped asking because I had a pretty good idea. I didn't care much, because even though I shouldn't have, I trusted Jake. And it turns out he came through a couple of times.

Jake liked to throw parties at our house. I liked them too because I didn't have many other parties to go to, and usually his crew would pay for the keg. They always seemed like there were too many high school kids, but I got the impression that Jake was such hot shit at his High School that even a year after he left everyone wanted to go to one of his parties. Jake's parties were always huge and packed. They would usually get busted pretty early, and once by dumb luck I got stuck taking the noise violation. Jake knew that it was his party and mostly his friends and offered to pay for it. I knew he should have, but up until then I didn't really think he would have.

For a long time I never knew how he always had money to pay for things. He had a job at a water park and he did some small time drug deals on the side, but it didn't quite ever equal out. Late one night during the summer he told me how he made all his cash over a few 40's on the porch. What Jake would do is always try to work the cashier at the water park where kids got in for $3 and adults for $5. What he would do is charge everyone as adults, tell the customers the right amount and pocket the difference. So if 2 adults came in with 3 kids, he would enter them in the computer as 4 adults and 1 kid but then charge them $19. He would then pocket the $4 difference. Then he would come home with wads of fat cash.

What always amazed me about Jake was the for someone that didn't even go to U of M (at that time) he was amazingly connected. Everyone knew him. He knew some of my friends who lived in the Box house. One of the old box guys Brent had been buying beer for one kid in his crew for years. For the next three years after I lived with Jake I would see him around. Always at the bar, around campus and at parties. He would always stop what he was doing and take a shot with me. He would usually show up to Box tailgates and our parties. He was a great friend to have, because he was loyal. He would stand up and get into fights for us. The kid who could kick the crap out of anyone is always a good friend to have.

That summer was excellent because there were always visitors around, my future roommates, my friends, and Jake and his crew. Living with Jake was a total trip. He was the first of a streak of roommates that who weren't great roommates, but totally amazing people to live with. I think, without Jake in that house the summer would have gone down as a boring wash.