Brian Works at Night

I worked the graveyard shift tonight from 7pm to 3am. I really like working late nights for several reasons; there is almost no traffic, there are almost no passengers, most traffic lights go to blinking red after midnight, there is no rush to get home to do stuff and there are usually drunk people you can fuck with.

For example, around 1:20 I was sitting at CC Little drinking Diet Coke and playing scratch off lotto tickets when these three drunk girls tried to sneak two traffic cones on my bus. The were less than stealthy, but sat in the back to hide their loot. I got up and strolled to the back and asked "Are you ladies in possession of any stolen university property." They nervously stare at each other, while I stare at the traffic cones. The one that hadn't crapped her pants yet started apologizing, but I broke in with a "Well, it looks like I'm going to have to call this one in to DPS." The last girls craps her pants. I turn to go to the radio as the third girl whose voice is trembling in fear of being arrested her first night at Michigan says "Well put them back I promise. Please don't call the cops." By then I couldn't help but turn around and laugh and tell them that I really didn't care if they stole traffic cones. I got you good, fucker.

Later I was being creepy with some drunk freshmen girls and even got invited back to their Bursley dorm room. One of them ran her fingers through my hair. It was pretty cool. To bad that the night was highlighted by a different event one that will have bus 3028 live in infamy.

The Pre-Blog Blogables

I wish I had my blog back during my freshmen year of college so I could go back and remember all of the things I did before I had my blog. Looking back at some of the things we did in the dorms I wonder how I didn't get kicked out/maimed. Se here's the stuff I can remember and if you can add anything leave it as a comment.


-Turning off the water to the toilets on a Friday night so by Monday every toilet had at least one dookie in it.
-5th floor keg the night before MLK day.



-Putting up fat chick porn in all the bathroom stalls.
-Asking my math GSI to hang out and drink beers. He sent a class wide email subject: Hangout Policy. It was a no go.
-Drinking with my RA from the keg we had sneaked into the triple on St. Patty's Day.
-Playing strip beer pong in my dorm room the night before my Calc 2 midterm. My grade was also a no go.
-The time that we built Normandy style beach fortifications in the hallways to slow down people.
-Getting sick in the 5 Blagdon bathroom.
-Building a snowman on E. Medical Center right in the middle of the road until a trucker tore it down.

-Getting written up twice in 24 hours.
-Going to lunch so drunk that I ladled ranch dressing all over the sneeze guard.
-Ordering 80's Gold off of an infomercial.
-Trying to order 1000 chicken fa-jitas, eating 5 chicken sandwiches, and what my server referred to as "the largest plate of chicken broccoli bake ever served."
-Dorm room golf.
-Hollering at girls with our Megaphone and getting them to come up to our room.

-Getting a free room key by offering to trade her a Chicken Sandwich instead if giving her 5$.
-Attempting to actually use the ergopod.
-Dropping everything to contribute all of my energy to the Save Forest campaign.
-Dropping ice cream cones down the stairwell.
-Throwing an entire loft out of the 4th floor window piece by piece.
-Booting in Alex Galarza's shoe when he was visiting for the weekend.
-Drinking a Beer in the Shower while my neighbor was having sex in the next shower over.
-Signing up for Speed Dating but getting too sloshed on Long Islands, and passing out on my floor.
-Walking back from our engin final through the Arb, smoking cigars and drinking 40's.
-Turning the megaphone siren on all the time.
-The last week in the dorms I had moved everything home and came back up for 5 days to "get a job", but really I had nothing to do but drink a majority of the 145$ of beer that Paul and I bought the week before. I had 3 things in my room, mattress on the tile floor, computer, and a fridge full of beer. I was the very last person to officially leave my floor.
-Pooping in the freight elevator.
-Ohh and this...

Brians Futon, Also An Internet Celebrity

My futon is famous. When I was a freshmen the local band Tally Hall filmed a video in my dorm room and my futon is now an Internet sensation. I think my picture might still be on their website.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dhP4uoGKWU

I slept on the futon for over a year, and every night it was like sleeping with Joe Hawley himself.

Brian Gives Advice

It's the last week of orientation and I had all of the engineering orientees on my bus today. So the bus was packed with mostly incoming freshmen. I know most of the Engineering Peer Adviser's and they said I could say a few words to the pre-froshes. So while driving down Bonisteel I took the bus PA mic and welcomed them to Michigan and gave them the best advice I could. It went something like this.

"Attention pre-froshes, this is your friendly bus driver Brian. First of all let me say welcome to Michigan. I hope your enjoying your orientation. Listen to your adviser's, they know whats best for you. But while your here take time to look around you, not just at the streets and buildings, but look at the people around you. These are the people you will be spending the next 4 years with. You will see this kids in your classes, in your dining hall, and probably living on your floor. Get to know them because you will see them next year and you will find yourself saying 'hey weren't you in my orientation?' more than you think. So while your here learn a lot, go out get wasted, and meet some of these people, in the fall you'll be glad you did."

I feel like that is the advice that I would have found more invaluable than anything I heard when I was at orientation.

Brian Gets Popular

I think my blogosphere of influence is increasing. The other day I got a facebook friend request from a girl that could only know me through my blog. She is a 22 year old, goes to Ivy Tech, is engaged and have never seen her before in my life. Usually when I get a random request I can find some link between us. Maybe we have mutual friends or are interested in the same things, or are from the same place. This girl doesn't even have a facebook friend at Michigan. So I'm chalking this up to being an Internet celebrity. Bring on the groupies.