Texts from last night

My buddy Dan downloaded an app that reads his texts messages aloud as he receive them. This lead to me sending him a number of texts in various social settings last night.

As he is in the bathroom on the ferry:
Dan how is your dump going? Is it as stinky as you expected? Love, Frank

While he is taking a pee in some bushes:
Don't pee in the bushes

While talking with some girls at a party:
It's Frank, I left my underwear at your place last night. Love ya.

In front of our buddy's wife who is Beth and our friend Jon:
Isn't Beth hot? From Jon

While on the way to the bar:
I love to eat sausages all day long

While at a bar called the Alibi Room:
I heard about the time you crapped your pants at the Alibi Room.

In front of some hot girls:
I saw your craigslist ad about you looking for a guy to toss salad with. I have a bleached asshole so write me back.

Brian Gets kicked out of a bar at 6:30pm

I didn't get kicked out for being too drunk. Nope, I got kicked out for "being an asshole"

Is it THAT absurd that someone would come into the bar and order the cheapest beer?

Is it THAT absurd that a patron might ask if you serve a type of beer that you have a flag of?

Is it THAT absurd that if you advertise $10 buckets "during games" and there is a football game on TV that someone might ask you if they could get it, despite the fact that it didn't say 'During Husky Games'?

Is it THAT absurd that if a bartender asks you to move out of a "fire isle" that you joke that if there was a fire you'd be the first one out?

Is it THAT absurd to ask for a refund for the half the Tall Boy of PBR that she took from me after I was cut off?

Is it THAT absurd that I'm not going to tip you after you asked me to leave the bar?

I really enjoyed the part where she got on her soapbox and explained to me that "Since I just turned 21 that I might not realize that I can't come into the bar and be an asshole to her, and that maybe I shouldn't come back until I learn to watch my smart-mouth". Well maybe if she had been doing her job and actually ID'd me, she would know that I'm less than 5 months away from being 23. This isn't my first big rodeo, cowboy.

NFL First Quarter Results

Of my three NFL over under bets all of them are still looking like very good wagers. Remember I bet Detroit to win less than 5 games, Tampa Bay to win less than 6 and Miami to win less than 8. After the first 4 weeks of the season the three teams have a combined record of 2-10.

Detriot
To be on pace to get five games they would need 1.25 wins by now. They are at 1. They still have games against St. Louis and Cleveland, so this bet is by no means in the bag. As they just need to go 4-8 the rest of the season to make me look like a fool.

Tampa Bay
Tampa has still yet to win a game. To be on pace they would need to have 1.5 wins by now. This is a team that has been outscored by 53 points so far. For them to win they would have to go 6-6 the rest of the way. This bet is pretty safe.

Miami
Miami won their first game today. So they are now 1-3. They are also behind pace to reach 8 wins. Miami is not playing terrible football but I would be surprised if they went 7-5 the rest of the season. Especially when 4 of the remaining games are against the Jets and the Pats.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

One of the benefits of living on the west coast is that I get to watch the college football lines come out on Sunday night. Usually I have a pretty good idea about what the lines will look like. If I see a line that is far different than I expect it I know it might be a good game to bet on.

When the line came out Sunday night for the Michigan-Michigan State game I sat in awe on my floor. I had expected a Michigan -7 line. This means that Michigan was expected to win by 7 points. The actual line was only Michigan -1. I had a few guesses to why the line might be so low, but I mainly figured that the line was low because on Sunday night it appeared that Tate Forcier might be out/limited for this game. When I read that Tate was expected to be fine for the game I rushed home Monday hoping the line hadn't moved to much against Michigan. When I got home I couldn't believe it. The line had moved to Michigan +0. Basically saying you just had to pick the winner. I took line at Michigan +0 smugly thinking that the line might fall to as much as Mich -3. But I've sat in disbelief as the line keeps inching up to where it sits now at Michigan +2.5.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. The #22 ranked undefeated Michigan team is 2.5 point underdogs against a 1-3 Michigan State squad whose sole win is against D-2 Montana State. I mean MSU was 14.5 point favorites when they lost to Central Michigan. What does Vegas see in this MSU team? That two of their O-Lineman are questionable for the game? WTF?

Also an O/U of 57.5 seems mighty low considering these are both highly offensive teams with shaky defenses. I don't think a score of 28-25 or higher is out of the question, but O/U's are tricky things to bet on so I'll hold off on this at least until a decent weather report comes out.

Epic comeback

Quite the game in my NCAA '10 Dynasty. I'm returning Wyoming to their rightful glory and I go up against Texas Tech. At the half I find myself down 31-13 to the Red Raiders. I fight back during the third and by the start of the fourth quarter I have brought it back to a respectable 31-26 game. I get a key three-and-out and get the ball back in the middle of the fourth for what could be a game winning drive. I go the length of the field and complete a touchdown pass to my Heisman candidate WR making the score 32-31 in my advantage. I decide to go for a two point conversion to put me up by three points. But my pass is intercepted and returned 103 yards by Texas Tech. This gives them back the lead 33-32. I then have to kickoff to them. But my team is almost entirely white and they take the kickoff to the house to give them an 8 point lead. We are now down 8 with to 2:30 seconds left in the 4th when they kickoff to me. The kickoff is short and my Hiesman deserving WR makes a sweet juke and returns it himself for a TD. The 2 point conversion is good and the game is tied at 40. Lee Corso tells me this is why he loves college football.

They begin driving down the field and are almost in range of a game winning field goal when my All-American DT drives up the middle and hits the QB as he throws. My 77 overall MLB runs underneath it and picks it off. The game is now in my hands but all I need to do is drive the field and score, without giving them too much time to return the favor. I go no huddle and go 60 yards and get the touchdown on a 2 yard pass to my backup HB. I leave 10 seconds on the clock, but I make sure the ensuing kickoff goes out of bounds to prevent any returns. Texas Tech tries valiantly with their two remaining plays but ultimately falls to the hands of my tough as nail Wyoming team.

It is deemed the 7th best game to have ever been played on my Xbox 360. It is also the most exciting thing to happen to me this weekend.

Brian completes a survey.

I got a survey from my high school. It was a web based survey basically about my high school experience and what parts of it I use today. I anwsered everything truthfully until I got to the last three open ended questions. I couldn't help myself.

What would you have liked to learn in high school that you weren't taught?
2nd order differential equations, Critiques of gilded age post-romanticism art, Basic Rifle Marksmanship, Benford's law, The teachings of Jesus, Algebra, The fallacy of time travel in the Back to the Future series

What is the single best piece of advice you could give to a freshman beginning high school?
High school is 65% common sense, 10% hard work, 15% tomfoolery and 10% experimental drinking and sexual encounters.

Please describe a significant event in high school that made an impact on your life.
Once in 9th grade in order to get out of running during gym I decided to take a poo but there was no toilet paper and the toilet overflowed, needless to say it was miserable. Then one more time junior year, before a pep assembly I couldn't poo fast enough and instead of singing Hail to the Black and Gold, I spend the entire time making a mess in the toilet. It was possibly the foulest thing that has ever occurred. Since then I have been afraid to void my bowels in public. It is a determent to my professional career and physical well being.

I wonder if they are going to discount my entire survey. To be truthful my second answer is actually not the far off. But 10% hard work is pretty generous. That is unless your an idiot.

Youtubes Letdown

368 days ago I uploaded a video to Youtube. I then blogged about it. It has been 368 days and my goal was to have 10,000 views in the first year. My goal for next year is 20,000 views by September 10, 2010.

On a related note, the other video I uploaded is hanging in there with 234 views. My goal is 1,000 by March 27th, 2014.